giterdun

Sick day

2007-06-22T16:40:00.000-04:00

Today I took a sick day. Ive been sick all week, but seeing as there is no one who can work for me, Ive had to show up. There were times I almost fell over I was so weak. Anyway. The point is, Ive had some time to think today.

Im ashamed to admit it, but I am a very weak Christian. I find trusting in God to be very hard. Trusting in anyone does not come easily to me. But putting my faith in Christ is so hard. Trusting that his grace will forgive, that the cross truly cleansed me, and that his power can truly cleanse me. My prayer for myself is that God himself will be my stregth. Because on my own I realize that I am nothing. Weak and frail and full of sin. Full of fear. Maybe Im abnormal, but for, I know that I cant do anything right on my own. Today I was thinking about how all my life I have been ashamed of the gospel. I ve shared it a few times, with a few people, but usually, I just cruise through the day without ever talking about Jesus. It scares me. Scares me to death. Because I am ashamed of him, he will be ashamed of me. A lot of times, I have watered down the truth, or have known that I should have metnionned Jesus in a conversation, but have been afraid, afraid of what? Rejection? It really shows me the true shallowness of my own faith. I want to grow, I want to be changed, I want to learn to let go of the sin that I hold so close, the strongholds in my life. I want God to teach me, to mold me, and yet I am afraid. Afraid of where a real faith will take me. There is such a real battle going on for my soul, and I can see it more clearly than I ever have. I am torn in two. The part of me that wants Christ and wants the life he has called me to, and the part of me that wants all the comforts of this life, of knowing that I am in control. Christ is the lover of my soul, but Satan wants to destroy, yet so often I trust in the wrong hand, the hand that wants to crush me.

I guess, I just wanted to be honest in this blog. I wanted to be honest about what goes on inside of me. I dont want to be an avid church goer who smiles and nods and pretends that everything is just peachy. I am not perfect, so far from it that I am ashamed of who I am. But the best part is, that in my weakness, God can still use me. And I pray that he will. I pray that he will carry me though this life and help me to grow in faith. I pray that he will work on his stubborn heart and heal me of my sin.

Long time no post

2007-06-12T18:30:00.001-04:00

I thought I would post again since I havnt since April.
What is new? Well, less than two months til my wedding now. Thats insane. Really starting to set in that its actually happening. Most of my invitations are out. I still have quite a bit to do, but Im not too worried, it'll all work out, plus its just one day, and its really wise to invest more time and care into the days that follow.
Im also just realizing that along with all these other huge changes in my life, my job will soon be running out. Change is hard for me, so Im a little overwhelmed.
It was awesome this weekend because I got to spend a little time with Tina and Trevor and Randy and Sara both whom I havent seen in like a year. It was exciting. Next I just have to see Lohnes and Ill be all set.
I got a haircut today, which apperently is a huge deal. I didnt know!! David was awfully concerend about how much I was going to get taken off, he likes my long hair. Normally I would get it cut prettty short as I hate the feeling of long hair, but I was taught growing up that you should try to please your spouse, so here I sit with a thirty dollar hair cut that looks like it hasnt even been cut at all. I hope he knows how much I love him.

Anyhow, Ill post soon, not that anyone blogs anymore now that this new face book thing is all the rage.
God bless

The new you

2007-04-30T13:03:00.000-04:00

I often find myself watching TLC. ' A wedding Story', Little People, Big World', 'A Baby Story', and the list goes on. One show that I really dont like but find myself watching is 'What Not to Wear'. HAve you seen it? Family and friends nominate someone who dresses poorly(I know I could totally gt one the show), The hosts go through her wardrobe and make fun of everything that she owns, throw out all her clothes, give her $5000 and send her to New York on a shopping spree. I don't know, it just really bugs me. Because usually, they take a girl who is pretty but simple and not too preoccupied with the way they look, and try to turn them into a self obsessed fashion machine. In the end the girl ends up wearing lots of low cut tops, a ton of make up and staring at themsevles in the mirror saying"I love the new me, I look so sexy". It bothers me, because looking hot on the outside is not true beauty. A complete make over on the outside still leaves the inside dead. I guess I am just so bothered by the importance placed on dressing the outside. The Bible says that a woman is not beautiful but the way she looks, but because of her spirit, who she is.
I dont know about guys, but I think it is safe to say that pretty much every girl out there has thought at some point in their lives that they wish they were thinner, of prettier, or had less stretch marks or had bigger boobs, or a smaller nose... and the list goes on. The truth is, that is not and never will be true beauty. Christ is not concerened about the outside(in fact really the only scriptural thing about the topic is actually telling women to cover up their bodies). Im not saying there is anything wrong with looking nice, Im saying that in the long run, it means nothing.
See, with me, I know all this, but then I find myself looking at the magazines while I am waiting in line up, or just watching how a lot of guys check out "hot' women, and I find myself thinking about how Im never going to measure up. I find myself wondering how I will ever be enough for David, when there is so much better out there. These thoughts are lies straight from the father of lies himself. Because as I follow God, he will make me beautiful, the kind of beauty that cannot fade with age, but that grows with time.

the 11th

2007-04-14T18:09:00.000-04:00

Well, it's April, half way through by now. The 11th was my moms birthday. Also it means that my wedding is only 4 months away. Wow time is flying.
I had given up on marriage, on love. Slowly I watched my older siblings and their fiends get married, thehn I watched as my own friends started meeting their true loves and it got a little harder for me to watch. And then, I started to see the younger "kids', the ones I councelled at camp and remember as kids get married. And I gave up. I decided God must want me to be alone. it was hard to deal with, bu I was learning to let go. and finally, one day in April, at Jamie and Penny's wedding, I met a boy. We talked for a while and went our seperate ways, he went home to bed, I went home and couldn't sleep cause all I could think of was that boy. David. Then we started to hang out, and let me tell you. I knew. From like the second week of dating. I knew he was the one God had planned for me. And all that is history now, we are in the homestretch to our wedding. I have so much left to learn about what love is. I have so much left to learn about being a wife of noble character, but I pray that God will teach me and guide me and mold me into the woman he has called me to be, the woman that David needs. Thank God for his blessings, for his greatness. His goodness to us despite our sin. Praise God.

comfort

2007-03-11T13:25:00.000-04:00

Comfort. We all want it to some degree. To be able to sit back in our comfort zone and just enjoy life. See, the only problem with that is that sometimes, God calls us to step out of this place and follow him. Follow him whereever he takes us. This, to be perfectly honest scares the crap right out of me. It is way to tempting to be a comfortable Christian, to be a pew warmer. To go to church and sing the songs, never really realizing that God wants our entire selves. He want sit all. Imagine having been Abraham, your only son whom you love, and God calls you to laying him to on an alter and sacrifice him. Imagine saying "not my will but yours God". Obviously we know the story, God spared Issac, but not before Abrahams faith was put into action.

God calls us to love him, to trust him, and yes, to deny ourselves, take up our cross and follow him. I'll admit that I get scared of where that could lead me. To be depised and rejected by men(if Jesus himself was, then surely his followers will too). God may just call us to be a little uncomfortable. But its pretty clear, we cannot serve two masters, we either love one and hate the other or hate one and love the other. Satan, not unlike the way he tempted Jesus, offers us the world, a life of comfort and riches and 'friends'. Jesus offers us himself, and he has overcome the world.

In then end, this life, this flesh and these bones will pass away. Time is short. you can spend a nice comfortable eighty years here, trusting in yourself, serving yourself, and looking out for yourself. Or you can spend these fleeting moments denying yourself and surrendering yourself to the master, to the King. Jesus himself wanted comfort when he was praying in the garden. "God, if theres anyway, please take this cup from me". He didnt want to do it, not go through the Hell and torchure. "Not my will but yours be done". But he denied himself, in every sense of the word. And at his name, every knee will bow and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord.

Jesus Freak

2007-02-26T11:55:00.000-05:00

Anne Askew was imprisoned and greatly torchured for her faith. Placed on a cruel rack, her joints and bones were pulled out of place. She fainted from the pain, but when she regained conciousness, she preached for two hours to her tormentors.
On the day of her execution, she was carried to the stake in a chair because her bones were dislocated and she couldn't walk. At the last moment, she was offered the king's pardon if she would recant. She said: "I did not come here today to deny my Lord and Master." She died praying for her murderers in the midst of the flames.

This was taken from the book 'Jesus Freaks'.

Then he called the crowd to him along with his disciples and said: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it. What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, yet forfeit his soul? Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul? If anyone is ashamed of me and my words in this adulterous and sinful generation, the son of man will be ashamed of him when he comes in his Father's glory with the holy angels."

Mark 8:34-38

Its been a while

2007-02-25T14:23:00.000-05:00

Wow, its been a while. Lots has changed since my last blog. I got engaged, found out my store is closing, got new roomates, and as it turns out blogger has changed as well.
Turns out planning a wedding sucks. its a costly little affair. Just trying to afford everything. I spent over 600 bucks on a single dress. Just to inform you, I havent spent that much money on dresses combined in the past 25 years!!! It s all very stressful. The whole sleeping thing has gone out the window, which by the way makes me cranky. oh, and I bought a dress that doesnt quite fit me, so I am forced to loose weight.
I always told myself I would not be one of those insane stressed brides, turns out I am!!! Its not so bad, my only real concern is that I cant afford a wedding. I guess it will all work out in the end, and at the end of the day I will be married no matter what(unless I cant afford a marriage liscence!).
I am very excited that my whole family will be hoome for the big even. It will be three years this august since I seen my big brother. His daughter Dryden will be two and it will be the first time that I meet her. Plus Dave and Denise and Paul and Heather will both have new babies come august, so I will be quite happy to see them. So I will have three nieces/nephews to meet for the first time. Which brings me to my next point. If one of those two have a girl, there better be a middle name Lisa. I have 5 nieces and none of them have been named after me!! What is with that, Im only the llike the best aunt ever!!!!!

Anyway, have a great day all

a new post

2006-12-21T18:25:00.000-05:00

So, its been a while since I posted. I no longer have the internet, or a computer, so that explains a lot. But here I am at Future Shop, blogging. Wooohooo. Its almost Christmas, only a few more days and its here. I always get excited about Christmas, even though it is just another day, and it comes and goes leaving only a dent in the wallet. Wow, it is crazy busy at the Future Shop, I better go before someone tries to sell this computer. Anyway, Merry Christmas to all.

stubborn heart

2006-11-21T23:22:00.000-05:00

Ever become very aware of your sin? Have a moment when you realize the true state of your heart? I am becoming very aware of all of this right now. My sin? Rebeliousness, and stuborness. Just ask my dad, I remember he always used to lecture me about my problem with authority. He used to tell me that I would have a whole lot of trouble in my life accepting Gods authority if I couldnt even accept my parents authority in my life. He was very right as it turns out. See, my human nature likes to be in control. I like to make my own choices and chart my own path. Turns out I suck at it. I dont like to be told no. I hate when people tell me what to do. I never liked schoold teachers, I hated rules.. Ive always hated that God created women to submit to men. And ifever there was a rule that I didnt understand,I would always have to question it(or possibly just ignore it). Rebellion. Yup, a stubborn heart. God is really showing me right now that I have to let go. Die, that is what he asks. He asks us to die to ourselves, our will, our wishes, our everything. Wow, is that ever hard to do. Let go of the control, and just trust. Yet somehow, this feeble mind thinks it can run my life best. I prove that theory wrong time and time again.
I dont want to run my own life, because I am no good at it. God knows what is best for us, he is our creator. He doesnt want our lives to be miserable, he wants us to be happy, but when we do things without him, it wont ever make us happy. He wants is to submit to him, not to make us unhappy, to to give us love, joy, peace........ By giving upour lives to him, despite the fact that it is difficult, we gain so much. His yoke is easy and his burden is light. So by trying to hang on to our lives, we loose big time. The rebeliousness destroys us. So hopefully, God can help me, and you to give it up.

Mark 8:35 (New International Version)
35For whoever wants to save his life[a] will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it.

I am free

2006-11-17T01:41:00.000-05:00

Galatians 2:20 (New International Version

20I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.

Romans 8:38-39 (New International Version)

38For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[a] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord

Ephesians 2:4-10 (New International Version)

4But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, 5made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved. 6And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, 7in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. 8For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— 9not by works, so that no one can boast. 10For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do

This self that lives
it has to die
for Christ to rule
and live through I

So its not me
who now is here
but only him
who conquered fear

This is the hope
that I now hold
your making good
of a heart so cold

my own strength
to you is weak
but you give grace
to us who seek

For nothing good
was born of me
the second birth
it makes us free

with nothing left
but you to save
Ill hold the hand
that destroyed the grave

I love the other David too(Biblical one)

2006-11-11T07:51:00.000-05:00

Now, at first this may seem like a depressing blog when you read the first scripture. But actually, I find much comfort in them. I love David(yes, my b /f, but the one in the Bible I am refering to right now). I love that he was a man of God, and a man after Gods own heart, but he screwed up in a big bad way. Anyway, these two passages offer some hope to me.

Psalm 38
A psalm of David. A petition. 1 O LORD, do not rebuke me in your anger or discipline me in your wrath.
2 For your arrows have pierced me, and your hand has come down upon me.
3 Because of your wrath there is no health in my body; my bones have no soundness because of my sin.
4 My guilt has overwhelmed me like a burden too heavy to bear.
5 My wounds fester and are loathsome because of my sinful folly.
6 I am bowed down and brought very low; all day long I go about mourning.
7 My back is filled with searing pain; there is no health in my body.
8 I am feeble and utterly crushed; I groan in anguish of heart.
9 All my longings lie open before you, O Lord; my sighing is not hidden from you.
10 My heart pounds, my strength fails me; even the light has gone from my eyes.
11 My friends and companions avoid me because of my wounds; my neighbors stay far away.
12 Those who seek my life set their traps, those who would harm me talk of my ruin; all day long they plot deception.
13 I am like a deaf man, who cannot hear, like a mute, who cannot open his mouth;
14 I have become like a man who does not hear, whose mouth can offer no reply.
15 I wait for you, O LORD; you will answer, O Lord my God.
16 For I said, "Do not let them gloat or exalt themselves over me when my foot slips."
17 For I am about to fall, and my pain is ever with me.
18 I confess my iniquity; I am troubled by my sin.
19 Many are those who are my vigorous enemies; those who hate me without reason are numerous.
20 Those who repay my good with evil slander me when I pursue what is good.
21 O LORD, do not forsake me; be not far from me, O my God.
22 Come quickly to help me, O Lord my Savior.

Psalm 40:1-3 (New International Version)
New International Version (NIV)
Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society
Psalm 40
For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.
1 I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry.
2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.
3 He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the LORD

PRAISE GOD.......

I love David

2006-11-04T22:50:00.000-05:00

I think you all should know that I lovemy boyfriend. He is awesome. Its like God hand picked him for me. He is so patient. Most guys would so be gone by now. He holds me when I cry, and prays with me. He tells me that he loves me constantly. He sees beauty in me that I cannot for the life of me understand. And he doesnt even know that he is the one that is so awesome. I respect him more than any other guy ive ever even thought of dating. I love him more everytime I see him. God is amazing really. I cant imagine how I could deserve the gifts he has given me in my life. And do you want to know how I thank him? By doubting, not trusting, and being self involved. I need Jesus every minute of every day so he can change me. So t.hat I can learn to trust him. Because he does show his love to me. I just sometimes dont see that, I just ignore his gifts

Im weak

2006-11-01T23:22:00.000-05:00

Im struggling right now, like you wouldnt believe. satan is trying to kill my faith. Ive never felt so attacked in all of my life. My sins, in all of their uglyness are being thrown in my face, constantly. The voive of satan, yelling at me, taunting me, telling me Im not good enough, telling me that Ive gone too far. Telling me that Ive missed my chance. Visions of Hell, and me burning. The feeling like I have to vomit,like I cant eat.I ve spent countless hours crying, pleading for God to save me, for God to forgive me, for God to give me joy again. I only blog about this because I thought that maybe somewhere out there someone is going through the same thing and this blog may be encouraging. Im having a moment of clarity. Guess what,I know Ive sinned, I hate my sin, I know what it deserves. But guess what, Its not about me. Its about Jesus. Jesus paid it all. Its about how good God is, not about how good Lisa is. I know God wants me to die to myself, give up myself for him. Sin is not suitable for Gods children, but it is forgiven. I have screwed up in some major ways. I have grieved the heart of God. And for that I am deeply sorry. I hate my sin, but God forgives it. Thanks from the bottom of my heart to anyone who has been praying for me. Please dont stop. I need prayers. But right now, I can tell the prayers are working.

In Christ alone
MY HOPE IS FOUND
he is my light my stregth my song
this cornerstone this solid ground
firm through the firercest drought and storm
What heights of love, what depths of peace
when FEARS ARE STILLED when strivings cease
my comforter, my all and all
here in the love of Christ I STAND

NO GUILT IN LIFE NO FEAR IN DEATH
this is the POWER OF CHRIST IN ME
From lifes first cry, to final breath
Jesus commands my destiny
NO POWER OF HELL, NO SCHEME OF MAN
COULD EVER PLUCK ME FROM HIS HAND
Till he returns or calls me home
Here in the POWER OF CHRIST ILL STAND

The Odd Couple

2006-10-12T19:12:00.000-04:00

what a beautiful couple. Matt looks like hes smiling while trying to push out a poop, and Fran looks like she needs an exersist. Well, truth is, I love them. I love seeing the changes in Matt since he came to know God back when I was a kid. He is a different person than he used to be. Sure he is still weird, but now he is weird for God instead of for captain Kirk. I remember the days of the communicator. He actually used to have one. You know, that thing on their shirts on Star Trek. Oh yea, he used to wear it on the chest of his knitted Star Trek sweater. He is a geek still, but he got rid of the communicator(shortly after getting rid of the mullet). Matt is like my big brother, who kinda of acts like a little brother.
And dont even get me started on my big sis. She is great, she trusts God, no matter how crappy things have been over the last 2 years. I love her so much. Sure, she has a limp, but we love her anyway!!! I remember the day we almost lost her like it was yesterday. I remember seeing her laying there with a tree through her leg she was bloated to like twice her size and she was whiter than anyone I had ever seen before. I though it may be the last chance I would have to see her this side of Heaven. Of course, I was a wreck, and she said to me 'Lisa, don't cry'. Like, really, she is laying there dying and she is concerened that I am sad. I love my sister, and Im glad I still have her. Thanks to you both for the example that you have shown me as I was growing up. Thanks for being mentors. Thanks for serving God. Thank you both so much for your influence on my life.

Somebody had to die

2006-10-05T22:32:00.000-04:00

My sin. Its ugly, its aweful, its shameful, and its overwhelming. The wages of sin is death. My sin, the shameful deeds that only God has seen. The terrible things that I have done. Every lie that ive told, every person that Ive hurt. All the filth. Everything deserves death. Me. Im the reason that Jesus had to die. It was him or me, and he chose himself.
It hurts to know all that he did so that I can be free. So that I can live. Me, the one who has sinned time and time again. Ive been ashamed of him, yet he died for me.
Somebody had to die, it was him or me, he chose himself. Now I choose him. Choose him to rule my life. I choose to die so that he can live in me, and through me. The wages of sin is death,but the gift of God is eternal life through Christ Jesus our Lord.

Shape Up

2006-09-26T23:22:00.000-04:00

Here I sit, dripping with sweat. My breathing is coming back to me, which is good. Yes. I just got done working out. It turns out Ive spent the last year slowly becoming a lazy person. Not too impressed with myself. Im not totally lazy, but compared to the walking obsessed freak that I used to be, Im a lazy bum. Videos bore me. I hate them. The stupid people all dressed the same, smiling for an hour straight of shear torture. Like really, put some real people in the videos like me, who are near dead by the end. I tell ya, I remember doing the walk away the pounds express everyday for a while, all I could think of the whole time was how angry I was. It was the same thing over and over and over and over. Well you get the point. I wanted to punch the Leslie Sansone or whatever her name was. Seriously, it made me angry, all those feelings are coming back to me now. But anyway. The point to that rant was that I actually found a way to workout that I enjoy(aside for going for walks, because I do love that). Anyway, I call it worship workout. Its awesome. I just put in my worship music and dance. For a half hour straight. I try to infiltrate some of the things Ive learned from videos, but mostly, I just worship while moving my body. Its awesome. I love it. And it is tiring. Im not kidding when I say that I am dripping with sweat. Not only is it great for my body, but it is good for my realationship with Jesus. I have a chance to sing to God, and dance with all my heart, look like a complete fool, and not care even a little bit.
So here I am half dead. In no time though, Ill be in tip top shape. But for now,I am dreading the morning, cause my legs are going to be killing me!!!

clothes

2006-09-25T19:02:00.000-04:00

I have a pet peave. I hate it that some people think it is so darn important to get dressed up for church. Seriously, God is not that impressed by our finest clothing. First of all, Church is the people, God does not live the building, so thearetically, if we are wearing our best for God, and God actually has made his dwelling inside of us, perhaps we should get dressed up every day. Our bodies are the temple, not the big building with all of the pews.
Also, Ive heard it said that it is all about giving our best to God, including our clothing. But since when does God use mans styles and trends to determine what is best. Can anyone honestly say that wearing a fine suit and tie impresses God. As if God sits up in Heaven talking to angels about the nice Armani suit that Jack John wore to church on Sunday. Truth I is, God can see right through the suit, right through the flesh straight to the heart. I havnt read anywhere yet that God wants us dressed up when we meet together. I have read a few things in the Bible about the way we dress. More so about women dressing decently with propriety and such.
So here is the thing. If you like getting dressed up, go for it, but dont think for a secomd that you are impressing God. God wants your heart, your soul, and your life. Not your expensive clothes. And if you do want to please God with your clothes, ladies, stop showing off your bodies.

2006-09-21T18:32:00.000-04:00

i hope this works.Ive never posted a pic before. Thanks for the help Ben

2006-09-21T17:48:00.000-04:00

woooohoooo, I finally know how to post a picture!!! Thank you Ben, I am so excited. Not that I know how to put pictures on the computer from my camera.

There's a Price to Pay to be Beautiful

2006-09-11T22:59:00.000-04:00

I remember when I was little(though I use the word loosely as I always a bit on the chubby side), my mom used to brush my hair for me. I absolutely hated it. Apperently I was born pre-tear free shampoo and conditioner. It hurt like a bugger. I would cry everytime. My hair would be so knotted that it could not just be brushed through without the brush getting stuck and mymom having to yank, taking chunks of hair out of my head with the brush.It was terribly painful. Thank goodness for conditioner, the day I discovered conditioner my life was forever changed. Anyway, the point is, I remember when I was crying, my mom would say to me, "theres a price to pay to be beautiful". And how right she was. Girls everywhere are paying hugely, trying to be beautiful. To have the perfect body. We are paying financially. Plastic surgery, laser surgery, make-up, clothes....and the list goes on. We are paying with time. Hours spent in front of the mirror, wasted time, applying make-up, drying hair, straighting hair, curling hair, plucking hair, waxing hair, dying hair. and a lot of us are paying with out health. Thousands if girls are literaly dying to be thin. Without concern for the risks to health, counting calories, limiting fat, over excersizing, and puking up their food. All to be beautiful. All to achieve that perfect body. I am not a stranger to the obsession with body weight.I am not a stranger to the price of beauty. I realized one day that I have spent so much time trying to fix the outside of me, that I was neglecting the inside, the place that matters. Luckily for me, I met a guy who seems to be blind, who thinks Im beautiful, God forbid he ever get glasses(lol). Heres the thing about beauty. The truth is there is a price to pay to be beautiful, but the price has already been paid. True beauty that counts comes not from the perfect body, but the soul that has been made perfect through the sacrifice that Jesus made on that cross. See, beauty comes from being made pure inside, and the price has already been paid.

2006-09-05T21:12:00.000-04:00

A new season of life has begun. And it is hard to believe. Danielle is starting grade one. Alexa and Hannah are starting kindergarten. It begins, the drama, the learning, the tears, the bullies, making friends, fighting with friends, making new friends. It is hard to watch. These girls are all so precious. It scares me. I just want to shelter them,protect them, and keep them from harms way. I want them to know that they are beautiful, no matter what happens. I want them to know just how special they are. Kids can be cruel, and that can leave scars. I want them to fall in with the right crowd, I want them to spend more time being themsleves than trying to be cool. I want them to find Jesus. I hope and pray that God will carry them in his arms through the maze they are now entering, and I hope they can come through the other side in love with Jesus.
Its a new season of life for three very special little girls, and twelve years from now, Dan will be all grown up, and Han and Alexa will be close behind, ready to leave home and create a life for themselves. And as for me, I will be really, really old!!!!!

2006-09-02T00:06:00.000-04:00

First bank machines to withdraw money, then pay all your bills without ever making contact with another human, than shop online, get a credit and you'll never have to go to a store. And if you do find yourself out shopping, go to Wal Mart and use the cash where there is no cashier. Just swipe your won card and off you go. And if you want to rent a movie, head to Niko video, do it all yourself. What a strange world we live in. Techonology is so rapidly changing. Get a computer or a digi cam, or an ipod, and it will be outdated in a month. I'll be honest, Im afraid of technology. Too many people sit at home, staring at computer screen, building a relationship with all of their compu-friends, while all the while neglecting their real friends. Too many people sitting at home playing their crazy role playing games,meanwhile forgetting to get out and live their real lives. Kids getting fatter and more anti-social because they dont go outside and play with their friends, they stay in and play video games, or watch satelite tv. I know technology is all great. The TVs get bigger and bigger while the cell phones get smaller and smaller. You cant go anywhere anymore without hearing cell phones ringing, no one ever knows if its them ringing or somebody else.
I guess this is my technolgy rant. The more sophosticated our technology becomes for the better, there is always the down side. As we are able to make better and better computers and cell phones, and cameras, think about how much more sophisticated the worlds weapons must be becoming. We have wonderful thingslike Google earth, where satelites take precise pics of almost every place on earth, and yet we cant find a way to feed the hungry people all over the world. Im just wondering how advanced our society really is.

winter is here

2006-08-28T22:02:00.000-04:00

so winter is here. The freezing has already begun, give it a couple of weeks and Ill be into my winter jacket again. Its like the worst time of year, because it is getting pretty chilli outside, but the stores still have the air conditioning cranked. The other day I went to the movies to see Invincible, which by the way I really thought was good, and I nearly froze to death. K people, really is time to turn off the A.C. And at work, my fingers have already started turning purple. Dont even get me started on work. Jeepers. On Saturday, I was working to close which is at 5:30, David was waiting for me outside to head out to a wedding reception. Anyway, I was locking the front doors and putting up the closed sign when these two ladies walk in, I politely say, 'actually, we are closed now'. They didnt care, they just walked right in and started shopping. I was so angry, I almost lost my job that day, cause I almost punched some customers right in the face. Yup, I was weighing the decision in my head, it was almost worth loosing my job over. Yup.

So anyway, I hate the cold and stupid customers. Can ypu tell Im cranky????? I feel like I should say something positive. Nah.......

2006-08-20T16:13:00.000-04:00

I dont want to be luke warm. I want to be on fire. Sometimes, looking at my life really scares me. Im not bold, Im not very kind a lot of the time, Im kinda lazy and not really that faithul. Thanks for the sermon today Ben.
Sometimes, it feels like because Christianity is not new, like it has had a couple of thousand years to sink into peoples head and into the routine of like, that for a large part it has become complacent. Imagine being around when Jesus came, seeing him heal the sick, raise the dead, save the sinners. Imagine the freshness of not being chained to the law which could never fully erase sin. But me, Ive heard about JEsus all my life, its like Ive always known that he was there.
I'm getting a new Bible, with no underlining, and no study materials and I am going to read it. I am going to reaquaint myself with the Jesus who walked on water, feed 5000, and loved enough to give himself for me.
I dont want to be lukewarm, I want to be on fire. I want to not be able to shut about the greatness of Jesus. I dont want to be just some "good" person who doesnt drink and curse and who goes to church on Sunday. I want to be in love with Jesus.

Church

2006-08-07T16:13:00.000-04:00

I have become the blogger who never blogs!!!! I guess because I really dont know what to say.

Here is my latest rant. I hate the way church buildings are set up and the way church services take place. I dont like the auditorium set up. It really encourages the idea that we are going there to be entertained. Church is so much about the people, but the design makes it so official, it almost discourages fellowship. I just dream of a place where people go and pray together, talk about their lives, encourage each other, and read the bible together. I envision a place where we can help each other to grow. Not a place where we just sit and watch and listen. I dunno, I guess when I read the new testament I just feel like the church was so much more that what it is today. I dont picture the apostles and believers sitting through services and putting on a happy face and their 'best' clothes. I picture the church being so active, so alive. Now it seems all that it is is just tradition. It seems like now we spend so much time and effort maintaining our beautiful buildings, and build programs that will get us more people, that we have somehow left the idea of the church as Christ had intended behind.
Tonight I am going to college and career. I suppose I would say that I am going to church. Where believers are gathered to fellowship and strengthen each other. Going to church is a weird term. For some people, it is all about a sunday morning service, that is church. But God does not live in a building, and his church is not a man made building. Take away all the tradition and all the garbage and politics, take away the pews and the communion tables, strip down the stage where people perform, and burn down the very walls, and you know what you got? The church!
(in no way do I promote the arsen of church buildings, just trying to prove my point)

whats new?

2006-07-16T22:53:00.000-04:00

Im the one who needs to update my blog now.

Well, whats new with me? I work a lot. Sell a lot of shoes.
Oh, Ive been seeing this guy lately, its very exciting. He is awesome. First time in a long time Ive dated someone who is a Christian with a good head on his shoulders.
Anyway, thats my life in a nutshell. Things are going great for me.

My Exciting Life

2006-07-02T20:24:00.000-04:00

Huh, whats new in my life? A few things I guess.
I now live in party central. My apartment reeks of beer and pot. It is nasty. The past five days have big one big Canada party. Yea! Its insane. I try not to be home, but I live here. Its so nice to be surrounded by drunken strangers all day and all night. Just last night a drunk guy was banging on the padio door at 2:30. I tried to ignore it, but he was persistent, so I eventually let him in. And he says "were you sleeping?". Uh, yea I was sleeping, its 2:30 in the morning and I have to get up at 7:30 to get ready for church! And then he asks if he can join me in my bed!! Uh, lets see Drunken guy whose name I dont no......NO!!!! So he just slept on the couch. Then when I woke up, there was some other guy sleeping on the other couch!!! When did he get there? Who was he??? All good questions, I just assume my rooomate knows.

Oh, and on a nicer note, I have recently started drinking water. See, I dont really like water, but whoever decided to put flavor in water was a genius, I now love water, in fact I am addicted to it, I cant get enough. I dont even buy pop anymore, just water. Which, by the way, water makes you pee like a crazy person. Its all I do, like at least 20 times a day, its crazy, and really annoying. All my life, I never really drank water(except if I ran out of pop), and now I am a water drinking, perpetually peeing, healthier person!! Thank you AquaFina, thank you for Flavour Splash!

Pray

2006-06-26T21:44:00.000-04:00

I have a friend who really needs prayer. Im very worried. Please if you read this blog, pray for her. Pray, fast, pray continually. I'll be honest, Im afraid that this friend is going to make a very bad choice, the choice to end their life. Please promise me that you will pray. And then pray.

I live in the ghetto

2006-06-23T02:41:00.000-04:00

It is 3:4 1 am. I am awake, this is why. I was fast asleep, when I heard a noise, to me, as I was awoken by it, I thought it was the trumpet of the Lord. It wasnt. Then I figured it was a car alarm. So I looked out the my bedroom window and saw a cab in front of my house and I wondered why he was honking his horn in the middle of the night, oh, and then I realized it wasnt the cab when I saw a car across the street explode!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thats right.It exploded. Just like in the movies. It was nuts. I was like "uh, that aint right". Then I quickly jumped out of bed and called 911. Crazy. Like four minutes later, the fire department were here to save the day. I swear, the whole neighborhood came out for the event, should have been somebody out selling snacks. It was like a block party. Sheeesh, some people are so nosy! Not me though, you didnt see me out there with all the masses though( I was just spying from my window). Anyway, thats about all I have to say. Now I have go see whats going on out there now!

The Customer is Always Wrong

2006-06-21T22:25:00.000-04:00

For any of you who have never worked in customer service, I thought I would let you know just how unvalued you are as a customer. You walk into a store, and see a smiling clerk headed your way, in your head, you think 'crap, I hate sales people!' Well heres the thing, chances are, the clerk walking toward you, is thinking 'ah crap,I friggin hate customers'.
See Working with customers nine hours a day, really trains a person to be fake. Smiling when you want to scream, helping people when you feel like hurting them, thats what customer service is all about.
Dont get me wrong, some cusotmers are awesome, and some days are great. But if an awesome customer comes in on an awful day, the clerk really hates the customer.
And heres the thing, customers are stupid!! I am walking through the store with 6 shoe boxes in my hand, you would assume I work there? Nope. You have to ask me!! What do i say? 'Yes'. What do I want to say 'Are you an idiot? Why do you think I am carrying all these freakin' shoes?'
Oh, my favorite question that I get all of the time. In our shoes, there is a sticker, and it usually has the sizes we have the shoes availble in. E.G Sizes 6.5-12. Now if you read that, you would just assume that it comes in those sizes, right? Wrong. Honest to frig, doehole after doehole asks me 'uh, it says on the sticker size 6.5-12, does that mean this shoe fits anyone from 6.5-12?' K,give your head a shake!!!!! Did you see a sign on the door that says 'The Magical Family Shoe Shoppes?' No, I didnt think so? no, the shoe you are holding in your hand is not a magical shoe from the land of pink elephants, and flying moose. Of course that shoe does not fit any size!!!!!!!!!!Please, walk out the door, take a left, take your first right, walk straight until you see water, fall in!! Oh, and dont ever reproduce.

Sunshine(not feeling sunny inside)

2006-06-18T15:56:00.000-04:00

The sun is shinning. I was starting to think that sunshine was just a myth. But nopers. I love the sun. It makes me happy. But wanna know what I hate? being a non smoker, that doesnt so much make me happy. It makes me angry and frustrated and sad, and really very screwed up. Im going nuts. I know someday Ill be very thankful for my choice to become smoke free. But today, not so much!!!! I kinda want to punch people and stuff, and yell and then cry. But hey, its day #4, and Im still going. That is something that I can smile about. And of course the sunshine. I think God just knew I needed the sun to shine or I would uno, hurt someone!!!!! I know you laugh, but, NOT JOKING!!!!!!! And I also decided that whoever invented the flaming stick of death was an idiot. The stupid tobacco companies getting rich, feeding off peoples deadly addiciton. Yea, well, guess what, not me, not any more!!!

Weighed Down (My Battle)

2006-06-10T22:57:00.000-04:00

Weighed down by the guilt
of a thousand bad choices
Beat up again
by this pride that deceives

Wrecklessly living
for selfish ambition
with nowhere to run
or to hide from your face

Why am I
in this place again
why can't I
just never let go of your hand

You tell me you love me
but I just cant listening
I'll find my way out
of this wreck on my own

I know you're the healer
but I dont think Im broken
So I just keep trudging
this world all alone

Why am I
In this place again
Why can't I
just never let go of your hand

Your always calling
but Im seldom falling
to my knees
which is all I can do

Finally with hands
that are lifted to Heaven
Im giving this battle
to you

Why am I
in this place again
Help me God
to never let go of your hand

Hows my love life? Thanks for asking!

2006-06-01T23:10:00.000-04:00

Well, just thought Id update you all on my love life. But where do I begin? Here it goes.

My latest x just wrecked his car driving drunk(clearly I know how to pick em). An nice old man visits me at work about six times a day. Maybe he has a little crush on me I think, the thing is there is about a 60 year age gap!! Oh, and speaking of old men, a few weeks ago, a toothless 8o or so year old man came into my work to hit on me. He was a bit bolder than my other golden oldie, he actually asked me out, said he had a hundred and fity bucks burning a hole in his pocket and he wanted to spend it all on me!!! I was pretty impressed and tempted I must admit, but unfortunately, I had a wedding dance to go to that night, so I had to reject mr right.
For a while there I also had a creepy stocker coming to visit me all the time at my work, he even gave me his number and asked me to call him, sorry Steve, I dont date creepy 40 year olds!!! My boss used to make me run out back when he came in, because just ask her, he is creepy.
And now, I think the security guard at my work has a thing for me. He stops in to talk to me all the time, and follows me around on my break. Seems nice enough I guess, just really not into him. Dont really know him, and dont really want to get to know him. So now, Im in a usual predicament, I have to avoid him, so as that he doesnt ask me out, because I suck at saying no!!! But the thing is,its hard to avoid somebody who works in the same place as you. I guess Ill be doing the running out back and hiding again!!!!
And figure this out, the one guy that I actually am interested in, pretty sure he dont want me back!!!!!! Ill not mention his name, but he is great. He was esposed to come buy shoes from me,but didnt! The one guy I wouldnt have to run and hide from,seems to be keeping himself hidden from me!!! uggh!!!
So that is my love life in a nutshell!!!!

shoes

2006-05-25T09:50:00.000-04:00

I'm so glad ive found my true calling in life. Selling shoes. I actually make a difference in the world. Without me, who would walk around the store for hours on end? Who would the be to help dirty people try shoes on their stinky feet? I guess what Im trying to say is that I am sorta likea super hero in my own little way. Yes, selling shoes is the noblest of jobs.

everything

2006-05-24T22:12:00.000-04:00

everything.
That's what God wants.
My all.
He really doesn't get it though.
He gets the parts of me that i dont mind giving up. But then there is the parts that I am not willing to surrender. Like I think that I can do a better job of running my life than him.
Ever get sick of failing, of falling? Ever think about the true state of your heart and get sick. The selfishness, the pride, the hate, all the filth. And it is frightning. Because fooling people is the easy part, show up to church dressed nice, and wear your biggest smile, and the averadge person is fooled. But God sees through smooth exterior, and cares only about the heart. He knows our hidden sins, our shameful thoughts, our lowest moments. Yet somehow, despite the crap, the garbage, the sin, he cares. Why? I don't get it. Because if I were God, I would have given up on me a long time ago.

This is just a song about those times when you really start to feel trapped in sin. Overwhelmed, and confused and ashamed. When you feel like God must hate you for how you proclaim his name so proudly, then crumble and cave time and time again.

Somebody Hold Me

Day after day, Im building this life for myself
night after night, finding myself more caught up in this filth
I know all the right things to say
you see a smile and you know it's all okay
but inside there's a soul that is dying
like a fearful child always crying
somebody hold me and tell me, it's gonna be alright

I feel so lost and chained in this place
It's hard to breathe, and Im seeing no escape
what have i done, look who Ive become
I bow my head, but Im too ashamed to pray
somebody hold me and tell me, that he loves me anyway

Time after time, telling you God that I'm sorry
little by little, finding myself more ashamed of who I am
I know that your grace is real
I see you there, the only one who can heal
but theres something thats holding me here
chained to guilt and drowning in fear
somebody hold me and tell me,it's gonna be alright

worship

2006-04-02T16:07:00.000-04:00

I was in church today. And, of course, as the wonderful Christian that I am, I was there to worship, actually, what I usually find myself doing is critisizing. Yep. Ill admit it. It's like my job is to critique each and every service and sermon. If you are a christian and you are reading this blog, I assume you know just what I am talking about. My pew, is my place in the audience, where I am there to point out when I am or am not being entertained. Of course, after the concert, or service rather, I ''discuss", or poke fun, or just tear down others about how the songs were played, or how boring it was, or how I didn't quite get the communion thought, or how the preacher was too long winded.......And the list of critisiscms continues.
And today, as I was getting into bored mode, thinking of how the songs were in too high of keys, and too slow, and the prayer was too long, and finally it hit me......I AM NOT GOD!!!!!!! I know, huge realization to make like 14 years after becoming a Christian!!!! But really tho, The church is not a concert, I am not there to be pleased, i am there to please God. I am not the audience, GOD IS. I am at church to praise my God. So, when you find yourself asking the question "so, what did you think of the service", or ' did you enjoy the worship?', maybe you should think that ultimately the only one who should be answering that question is God! Because it is not about us, it is all about him. God is the audience, and the critique. So next time when you feel your critical self dying to pop up, realize that God is the one who is there to be entertained not you. So hopefully our hearts will be more open to worship than bashing!!!

a new post, whoa poopsicles, crazyness

2006-03-26T15:14:00.000-05:00

It sure has been a while since I last bogged!!! Holy crap!!!
Nobody will check my blog anymore, since it has been friggin long since I last wrote.
Anyway.
Not too much is new in my simple little world!!! Im 24, and sorta(almost) single. I am not a big fan of men. Because it seems that when I do find a nice guy, they never want to spend time with me. LIke seriously, why bother dating me if you dont evn bother calling more than once a week. Boys are no good. I guess, I should hope my boyfriend doent read this blog. Actually, maybe I will just give him the address to this sight and that way he could see that I am upset with him!!

anyway, I hope to be writting more now. Have a good day ya'll.
and remember, boys suck. They lie, and are dumb....... stupid Nick, just call me. What the frig. I am that boring that you avoid me like the freakin plague??????? Why I oughtta..........................

misplaced passion

2005-10-17T15:49:00.000-04:00

Today, i was thinking. I know, its not something I would normally do, but I had nothing better to do. So I got to thinking about my Montreal Canadians. Now, something you may or may not know about me, is that despite the fact that I am a die hard habs fan, I actually hate the NHL. I really cant stand most of the players, they are a bunch of cry babies, like booohooo, I only make 10 million dollars year to skate around on ice and hit a little black circle with an oddly misshapen stick. The competition even drives me crazy about it all. Like, these guys who are highly overpaid, whom most of us will never know, matter so much to us. As if the Montreal Canadiens care that I even exist, or that I faithfully watch their games. You see, its all just insanity.

Because as Canadians, no matter where we go, we all proudly proclaim and praise our favorite team. Like everyone that I meet knows that I am a habs fan, in fact, probably more people know who my team is, than who my savior is. Because no matter how bad Montreal gets, Im am not ashamed of my team. In fact, I have pledged my alligience to them permanently in my lower back. Its a stupid team, it is so trivial and so unimportant. Yet often times we are more devoted to out hockey team than we are to the cause of Christ. I will argue to the death that the Montreal Canadiens are better than the Leafs, but so rarely even open my mouth to defend the name of Christ.

Who cares what team I like? Who cares? In the end, it wont matter if the Toronto Maple Leafs ever win a Stanley Cup(which they wont by the way). And who cares what happens in when Toronto and Montreal play. The fact of the matter is that our passion for these teams are so misplaced. Imagine if everyones passion for their favorite hockey team was shifted towards Jesus. Imagine if we were as excited about a person coming to Christ as we would be if our favorite team won the stanley cup after a long, long drought? Imagine if churches were filled with screaming fans who would do anything just to catch a glimpse of the glory of God.

Heres the thing. In hockey, one thing is certain, of all the teams in the NHL, in the end of the season, only one team will take home the cup. Which leaves a whole lot of dissapointed fans, anxiously awaiting the next season, just to be let down again. What a waste of time.

Heres what I am grateful for. Unlike my Monttreal Canadians, Jesus actually loves me back. And unlike my Montreal Canadiens, Jesus will never let me down. Cause in the end, there is only one winner, and he is the ultimate champion. Now there is a victory to be passionate about.

2005-10-16T18:20:00.000-04:00

what up all?

just sitting here. really got nothing to say.
Actually, I got an apartment and stuff, move in in November. gots no money tho, thats an issue.
Oh well, what can you do?
Anyway, have a nive day everybody,
peace out

wow, how things have changed!!!!!

2005-10-13T09:02:00.000-04:00

It certainly has been a while. life is a little different for me now id say. That wonderful boyfriend, has been not my boyfriend any more for a while. Here is a little tidbit of info it was the hardest breakup ive ever been thru to date. He was a great guy, but there were some things that I knew I didnt want in a husband, so I ended it all before I got too attached, sorta poopy eh! So, now, I am officially alone, actually, I have Jesus, so not really alone, but boyfriendless.
So, I moved back home, I am currently living at my parents place and working at the Family Shoe Shoppes selling shoes and stuff. Im am looking for an apartment, I should know by tommorow which one we will get.
I am seriously considering going back to school in the fall. I havent completely decided which program I will take. Im thinking about nursing, but the problem that is four years, and I really dont know that I am smart enough to graduate for that couse, you have to know an awful lot of crap and there is a lot of studying involved, and honeslty, I am just not that smart. So I am also considering a college, for human service or like a youth worker or something to that effect, but I really have to get on the ball and start deciding and applying, no more of this 'ill wait till next year because I cant decide what I want to do'. I cant put it off any more, I have to make some choices, andyway, gotta go
thanks for reading, if anyone still does.

THE ZOO

2005-06-12T12:55:00.000-04:00

Hey ya'll.
WASSSUP?
Its Sunday, and I was just at my sis in laws fathers house printing off my resume, so I thought I would publish a blog posting.
Man, I think you should all know that I currently live in a zoo. THere is me, Dave, Denise, Alexa Brianna, Dixie, Tyson, Casey, and of course the ginnuey pig, poo. Man, there is never a quiet moment, either Tyson is crapping on the floor, Brianna is eating some foreign object, Alexa is repetatively sayingt my name over nad over and over again, or Denise is yelling at someone for doing something that could possibly kill them. Oh, and here is sojmething very funny. This morning, just as we were getting out of the van at church, a bird poopied on my nieces head. Holy frig, I laughed all through church, cause it was a lot of poop!!! Friggin hilarious. We walk into church with a big hunk of poop on Alexas head.
Man, never a dull moment here in Ontario.
I am going job hunting 2mmorow morning, that sucks, I sure have enjoyed this little vacation. I still find it hard to sleep at night. Im usually up til about 3 am. But I share a room with a three year old, so usually, she wakes me up and around 6!!! Hurray for children. Its pretty cute tho, I love her. Alexa is very much the most persisten child in the world.
Anyway, I should go now. I hope everyone on PEI is doing okay. I miss everyone a bunch. Have a wikled good day. hope to blog soon

hello from ontario

2005-06-03T19:18:00.000-04:00

hi everyone
Im just at a hotel; here now, using the net. i have ver little time. Just wanted to let you know that I am enjoying myself here. Forrest is awesome wiked cute. I love him to death. Brianna and Alexa are great. I miss a lot of people though. At night it was hard not to go to work, i cried a bit to be honest. I miss you all, but Im having fun. Ill try to posst soon. Have a great day.

scared, but I know its the right thing

2005-05-28T08:06:00.000-04:00

Im scared to death. This morning, it hit me hard that I am leaving. the tears came. I know i am only leaving for 3 months, so most people wouldnt understand why it is so emotional for me. Let me explain.
I have worked the same job with the same people for over two years. I have become so comfortable there. Really, it the first time I have ever felt at home at a job. Its somewhere that I belong. Really, for the first time in my whole life, I have felt a real sence of belonging. And where a very real part of me wants to leave and find something better for my life, a part of me is scared to death to do so. I lvoe the people I work with, and i am scared that I will never find something like that again. Plus, when you waste years of your life working at a job like that, you start to feel like its the only thing you would ever be good at. I will miss the Dollar store a lot.
Plus, i also feel horrible for leaving my sister in the middle of her pregnancy. At a time when she would need me the most. I am just leaving. She cant even walk, and I wont be here to help out with the kids. it sucks, I want to be in both places.
On top of that, despite the fact that I am only leaving briefly, I know that when I come home, there will be people who will be gone, that I will miss so much. Rob is taking Ellen away, Jen is going to School, Tina and Trevor are leaving, and it seems to me I am forgetting someone else who is leaving. So basically, I will be really lonely when i come home.
And that is why it is so hard for me to leave. And that is why I sat at the kitchen table this morning with a bowl of peas and just started to the crying. Ellen must have thought I was crazy.
But despite the fear and anxiety I am feeling right now, I know that I made the right descision by leaving the Dollarama, because it has all but killed my potential as a person. I have become stuck there, and it was either get out of there now, or rot there and grow old and bitter full of regrets about the life I never lived. So that is why I decided to leave.
I assume that you really didnt care to hear all that, but it was just on my mind this morning, so that is why I had to blog about it.

COMMENT PLEASE

2005-05-27T08:33:00.000-04:00

Please leave a comment. Maybe nobody reads my blog anymore. if you do, please comment, I enjoy reading comments for some reason.

cruelty

2005-05-24T07:47:00.000-04:00

People can be cruel. People just seem to laugh at anything that is different than them. Sometimes, it just breaks my heart. Imagine having been born with some sort of disablity where everywhere you go, you could see people staring and laughing amongst their friends.
People are arrogant and rude, and truly think that they are worth more than others because they were so lucky to be born 'normal'.
And more than human cruelty and teasing, it is those who are Christians and still think that they are better than others that truly drives me insane. Not that I am perfect or that I have never made fun of another person, because I am not proud to say that I have. But still, when I hear a Christian talking about somebody else in a condescending way, I want to punch them in the face. I remember when I was in my final year at Bible College, it was so bad for this behaviour. I was disgusted with it all. Everytime I would walk into the kitchen, the 'cool' kids as I call them were laughing and bashing and imitating the people they thought were unworthy to be in their presence I assume. Seriously, they would take notes in class, notes of all of the stupid things that certain people would say, they would take note of anything stupid that certain people were wearing, and they would actually meet downstairs in the kitchen to ridicule these people behind their backs. I was so disgusted it made me want to puke. That year, I lost complete interest in school, I had no enjoyment in being there. I was uttertly turned off.
So my goal is to truly learn to love people. To never think that I am any better than anyone else. To stop gossiping entirely. I want to treat people equally. I dont want to be one of those people who gets a high from hurtful words. I want to love, as Christ loved. Its not easy when I am around people who are mocking others to walk away and do the right thing, not when I have about 50 funny comments running through my head that would contribute to the convo. So, to you people who know me, I beg you to hold me accountable for this, if you hear me laughing, slandering, gossping, or being rude, be bold and tell me to my face that I am being a jerk.
And to you people who think you are better than others or who find yourself caught up in making fun at others expense, I plead with you to look inside yourself, and realize that you are no more deserving of being treated well than anyone else. And if you are like me, and know it is wrong to make fun of others, but have a tendency to get caught up in the moment, I beg you to stop doing it. Walk away. Because the people you laugh at, they are people, who feel and bleed and cry just as you do.

the end of an era

2005-05-18T20:50:00.000-04:00

So, I did. I gave my notice at the dollar store. It seems so weird, the last two years I have worked there, night in, night out, with very few days off. And now, 7 more shifts, and Im done. I have grown so close to my co-workers, and I know I will cry a lot on my last shift. It seems like the end of an era. And despite the insanly low pay with no chance of advancement, I am pretty sad about leaving. A chapter in my life will soon be over, and that is hard to swallow.
Night after night I laboured and laughed and sometimes took long breaks. Smelling Tushkas farts, listening to Shal sing and watching her act the fool, making fun of Nadinee, watching Tracys face when she tells a story. The sound effects, the boxes falling on our faces, the continous complaining about being single and talking about how men suck(mainly because they dont want us, or when they do, we dont want them back). Licking everything, dressingup boxes like babies, falling off of ladders, finding people in our dumpster at 2 in the morning. The picture taking, the newbies that came and went ,toilet clogging, Shals hair falling out, getting hooked on stupid expression that one of us started. Trying on undies(over the clothes), wearing pantyhoes on the head, dreaming about walking out, screaming about too much work, and so much more good times.
So, to this chapter of my life I say goodbuy, I will miss you. To the girls at work, I say, I love you guys so much. You have made a crappy job, not so crappy.
What next? What will I do? After I come home from Ontario, after I become unemployed yet again, what will become of my life? I don't know to be honest, and that feels kinda good actually. Because for the first time in over 2 years, I will be sleeping at night like a normal person, and getting out of the trap I call the Dollarama.
But with every new begining, comes an end. I will miss Tasha, Shalin, Nadinee and Tracey so much. They make me smile, they make me laugh, and sometimes, their depressing talk(mostly Tashas)made me cry. But all in all, it's been a lot of fun, and for that I thank you.

Just a part of something Ive been writting

2005-05-16T18:47:00.000-04:00

Its crazy sometimes, the life we choose to live. The way that we allow ourselves to be locked inside of a problem we don't even want to admit exists. So, we stay, chained to ourselves and slaved to our master, we refuse to move forward to a place where maybe we could find true happiness.... a happiness that comes not from within ourselves, but from a creator, the one who knows us, more deeply than we know ourselves.
The Father, the one who made us, and formed us within our mothers womb, who gave not only his place in heaven, but his very body so that we could be free. He is the very embodyment of the love we so deeply long for. And yet, all to often, we look away. Desperate to become fullfilled, we search every corner, every bar, every pleasure on this earth, but still come up empty. And still, He sits and longs for us to see who he is and what he has done to fill up the place we've long tried to complete ourselves.
Some may try to become complete through relationships. Yet, no matter how intimate, and how hopeful it seems at first, it cannot complete. No man or woman on this planet can fill the spiritual void in a weary soul. Flesh cannot fill a spiritual void, for only Spirit can fill it. There is a basic truth that defines as humans; we are not perfect. We all are selfish, and at times hurtful. Placing complete trust in a human will only lead to disapointment. Is this to say that relationships are bad? Of course not, without relationships there would be no offspring, and hence to future generations. To put it simply, realtionships can bring some joy, and are created by God, however, without God, two people alone cannot copmlete each other.
Others try to become whole through working late hours to earn financial freedom. Who in their life has not imagined what it would be like to win the lottery, to never have to worry about bills? Who hasn't dreamed about walking into stores and not having to look at the price tag before making a purchase? Mansions and swimming pool, fast cars and designer clothes. Though, I realize shopping can be a rush, it can create a high. But it never can satisfy the yearning in a lonely soul. A full shopping cart does not equal a full soul. You could never buy, earn, or save enough to make yourself content. The more you have, the more you want, the more you want, the more you feel that you need.
Many try to climb the wall of social acceptance. Struggling to belong, they try so hard to become the one that everybody loves. Yet, in a room full of people, they still manage to feel alone. Some fight to attain power, but all the control in the world, and still they feel helpless. Others seek pleasure after pleasure, only to find themselves hung over from a life of wasted years.
Chained, and fighting to escape, few will ever find their way through this maze we call life. Narrow is the way that leads to life. Running as fast and as far as our legs will take us, few of us will ever know that we are running from the only one who could end the search forever. The one who could break the chains, and finally set our souls free. The one who could remove our burdens. His promise is clear, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest."(Matthew 11:28-30)
Weary and burdoned we all have a choice. We can choose to continue fighting, continue running, continue lying to ourselves, or, we can humbly accept the one who can finally make us free from all of the garbage that has been eating away at our souls since as far back as we can remember. Each one must decide, and each one must live with the choice they've made.

Its a boy(how did that happen)?!?!?!

2005-05-15T23:15:00.000-04:00

Well, today, they had a boy. His name is Forrest Jacques. The name very much makes me think of Forrest Gump, so that is funny. The baby is really healthy, and has some very proud parents. I couldn't help but cry listening to Paul talk about his son, and how beautiful he was.
WOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOO for babies!!!!!!!!

Special day

2005-05-15T14:57:00.000-04:00

Today is a special day. May the 15th is my brothers birthday. He turns 26. I love Paul a lot. Deep inside of him is a heart that has been broken many times. But inside of him is a huge heart just dying to show itself.
Happy birthday Paul. Sorta weird, cause even though he is over 2 years older than me,I still think of him as my little brother. I guess because he is the youngest next to me. Today, on his 26th birthday, his wife, Heather is in labor. Happy birthday. I am so proud of them. I just wish that I could be there to see his face when he holds his baby for the first time. See, he is a mans man. He is one of those guys who tries to pretend that he doesnt have a heart. But I know how excited he is to have this baby. And when he looks at his little gift of God for the first time, I just know he will be bursting with joy, I really wish that I could be there. But I cant, so I sit here, waiting for the phone to ring, waiting to get the call when my brother will tell me he is a daddy, and the name of his little girl(i just assume its a girl, they all are!!). And this is the thing, all of my sibling with children have girls, four nieces I have, and none of them have Lisa in their name!! What the heck!! If this baby is a girl, there better be a middle name Lisa, or Ill start to feel unloved(lol). Since I will probably never have children of my own, the least you could do is give a kid my name!!(lol). Just kidding. Anyway. Still waiting for the call. Praying that everything goes alright and trying to keep myself busy so I can think of other things other than the waiting.

Michael Jackson and the media

2005-05-14T09:08:00.000-04:00

I just finished watching a movie based on Michael Jacksons life. I think it was called 'Man in the Mirror'. And just a couple of years ago I watched the documentary 'Living with Michael'(Im not sure that is the name of it).
Now, there has been so much Michael in the media, I dont know what to believe. The man is in his 40's and lives in Neverland. A ranch like something out of a storybook, with ferris wheels, and go carts, and tigers. It is like a fantasy. And as far as I can tell, that reflects his inner being. Michael Jackson actually seems to live in a fantasy world. A world of make believe.
Clearly, you are more than likely aware of the alligations that he has faced in his life, and the new ones recently. I just wonder if he is innocent or guitly. Now, everything about the Neverland ranch and his creepy demeanor, point towards the fact that he may very well be a child molester. But somehow, that makes me wonder if he really is. It seems to me that achild molester would be more secretive about his fascination with children, for fear that people would figure him out. But Michael has openly admitted to caring for children, to sharing his bed with kids that were not his own.
When I see him, he looks to be very messed up, like there may be a few screws loose in his head. Maybe he is just a grown man who is a child on the inside. Maybe he does just love children, and want to make them happy. I dont know.
Now, considering the aligations he faced over ten years, and his general weirdness, ask meif I would ever let my nieces have a sleepover with him in Neverland, and my answer would certainly be 'not a chance in this world'. Which leads me to the question, "who in their right mind would let their child share a bed with him? Have a sleepover?" I tell you what I think about that, someone who wants money. Why else would you allow your child to spend the night with Michael Jackson? A man who has already been charged with sexually molesting children?
When I see him in the news, it breaks my heart. Partially because I really dont think that he is guilty. Its just so sad to see someone stuck in an imaginary world that he created for himself.
And then there was the whole dangling Prince Michael the second over the balcony in Germany. Weird as it was for him to do that, I dont understand the whole media frenzy over it. Clearly he wasnt going to let his son fall. He had a tight grip in the child. If anyone else had held a baby for 1/2 a second that way to show someone their baby, nothing would have been said about it. Its just sad. Its sad that since he was just a boy, he has been surrounded by the media, which has twisted his words, murdered his character, and messed with his head.
Clearly, he is not well. What man names their firstborn son Prince Michael the first and their second born son Prince Michael the second? Sometimes I just wish I could sit down and talk to Michael Jackson, or get inside of his head, or just try to understand how he got to be this way.
The only thing Im certain of in this whole Michael Jackson trial, Im sure glad Im not a member of this jury.

Heart attacks and life lessons

2005-05-13T07:19:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, I had a heart attack. Well, probably not really a heart attack,seeing as I am still living and didnt go to the doctor, but something not cool was happening in my heart. It wasn't the first time this has happened either. Only just a little over a month ago, I had to leave work one night to go to the emergency room because my heart was all weird.
Yesterday was worse though, I was home alone, just trying to sleep, but found myself in the midst of something very weird. When I laid down, my heart started racing like crazy. I felt so weak, and when I stood up, I nearly fell over. My heart was going so crazy, I almost called 911. I thought that I was actually dying. Maybe I have some kind of heart condition I don't know about, maybe it is anxiety because I have been stressed and have a lot on my mind lately, I dont know.
But this I do know. When you are laying on your bedroom floor(on a pile of clothes since the floor is actually not visible), and you truly believe you are dying, you really start to see what is important to you. Because the last thing on my mind was how little stuff I had managed to accumilate in my short life, or how crappy my job was, what I really was thinking about was how few people i've shared Jesus with, and how easy it has become for me to be a mediocre Christian.
Although I didnt die, I thought I was. And sadly, as I sit here, my chest really hurts, so Im thinking today is going to be a lot like yesterday. But clearly, whether today or 70 years from now, one thing is certain, I am going to die. 1 out of every 1 person dies:fact. So, what matters to you? What do you want out of life? What do you value? Do you want to make money to buy stuff that will decompose along with mortal flesh? I for one, plan on investing in eternity. This body, this flesh that I wear, it comes with some downfalls; pain, suffering, wear and tear, and eventual decay. Praise God for the day we receive a new body, that will not age with time, that will not bleed and pass away.
Invest in what really matters. Life is brief. Ask any 80 year old and they will tell you, one day you wake up 20, the next you are 80.
More than anything I want my legacy to be one of love. When people think of my life, I want them to know that(though I am far from perfection!!!), that I was in love with Jesus.
My life, will end. My body, will die. My purpose? To love as Christ loved, to sacrifice, to serve, and to thank God continually for what he has done for me.

" But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. i consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ-the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship in sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection of the dead."
Philippians 3:7-11

American Idol and the Sin Wagon

2005-05-11T16:34:00.000-04:00

Last night, I started watching American Idol. Now, throughout the course of the show, I have been hoping that Carrie Underwood would win(although, I was hoping Constantine would make it too, mainly because he is hawt!). See, I have a problem with idol music. I hear their songs on the radio when the competition is all over, and it drives me crazy. That is why I was going for Carrie, because she is a country girl, and I love country music. But then last night, she opened up the evening with a rendition of a Dixie Chicks song. Now, you also must understand that I love the Dixie Chicks. I love their voices, and their flare for fun music. But they have one song, one song that turns my stomach. One song that had made me throw out their cd(several times, I have issues with bying cds back). The song; Sin Wagon. Let me quote some of it for you:

Im on a mission to make something happen
feel like Delilah looking for Samson
Gonna do a little mattress dancing
thats right I said mattress dancing

Praise the Lord and pass the amunition
give me a little bit more of that
12 ounce nutrition
I dont know where Ill be crashing
but im arriving on a
sin wagon

When its my turn to march up to glory
Im gonna have one hell of a story
thats if he'll forgive me
oh Lord please forgive me

I'll Fly away(to the tune of the hymn)
on a sin wagon

This song is horrible. It disgusts me. It basically says I believe in God, i will follow Satan, and when the end comes for, Ill beg for forgiveness. It is basically pointing the middle finger to the heavens.
And of course, this is the song that Carrie sang last night. My stomach turned. And I just felt sick, because to be able to sing those words just to get votes really says something about the state of your heart. Its so sad. Its so sad that we live in a world that despises the cross of Christ, that despises God, that rejects the truth. It is one thing not to believe in God, but imagine believing in God and telling him that what he did means nothing to you.
As far as Carrie Underwood goes, she lost my vote(not that I can vote), as far as the Dixie Chicks go, Im really sad that one of the only songs they actually wrote themselves on the "Fly" album, is none other than Sin Wagon. But as far as Christians go, do we live that way, and not put into a song? Do we use God's grace a lisence to sin? I have been guilty of this at times in my life, ill be honest.
But, one thing I can tell you, I dont plan on arriving at the pearly gates on a sin wagon, I plan on arriving there covered with the blood of Jesus.

migrane

2005-05-11T07:05:00.000-04:00

I have a migrane. So much pain.
Its the kind of headache where you actually cant move. Dont be surprised if my head blows up, im thinking that it may. I dont understand headaches, what causes them? I think it may be my eyes. It seems to start around my eyes,then progresses all the way to the back of my head. Last night at work, I had to stop working and lay perfectly still on the ground in my aisle and close my eyes. The light kills. And everytime I move it gets worse.
I have to stop writting now, because the screen is killing me. Frig, headaches are awful. Well, with my brain this sore, at least that proves that I actually do have a brain. lol.
boooo on migrane days!

another song

2005-05-08T14:28:00.000-04:00

sometimes, I just get songs in my head, and I need to write them down before I forget them and they never become songs. That is why there are sometimes songs on my blog

fading smile is ever dying
she tries to hide it, cant stop crying
where her life used to be is a void she cant explain
wishes she would just stop breathing
and everything be like it used to be
before life got so confusing
before she lost herself in the crowd
a day when things just came so easy
a day where trusting didnt seem wrong
she swallows hard and tries to imagine
she hadn't become the one she despises

she cries out to be heard
it pierces the silence
the screams of the bitter
the cries of the lost
yet nobody hears them
will anyone answer?
and give them the hope
their hearts need to be whole

darkened eyes he tries to change this
he tries to fight but hes given up hope
hes always breathing, but not alive
a dead in his eyes is the key to his soul
shame finds its way to the core of his being
he hides what hes done, but not from himself
running hes trying to find some sort of meaning
but he just cant escape these demons within
he wants be noticed, and wants to be loved
and his anger and sadness destroys

he cries out to be heard
it pierces the silence
the screams of the bitter
the cries of the lost
yet nobody hears them
will anyone answer?
and give them the hope
their hearts need to be whole

May 8th, Mothers day, papas birthday

2005-05-08T12:39:00.000-04:00

Today, I am emotional. I dont know why. Just sitting there in church, I just felt all emotional and teared up just thinking about how much I love my parents.
Can you imagine raising five Rancourt children? I can't. There must have been times my parents wanted to shoot us(or themselves). Five little friggers running around, fighting and arguing and crying and screaming. Man, thats a lot of kids.
As you begin to grow older, you really start to realize the sacrifices that your parents have made for you. They could have had nicer stuff, lived in nicer homes, ate better food, driven sweet cars, but instead, they had five kids.
And the number one thing that I am so grateful for is my parents faith. My dad is a rock. A man who trusts God through everything. His attitude and example has molded the person I am today. He is a fountain of wisdom, and what you see is what you get. His faith in God is evident to all who know him. My mom has the kindest heart imaginable. She is so willing to help anyone who needs it. She is a servant, and her attitude has taught me to love. God has welded these two together, and he has worked on them so much, and he uses them everyday to help a world in need of truth.
To my parents, I say thank you. Thank you so much for all that you have done, for all the sacrifices you have made, for all the sleepless nights, for all of the prayers. And more importantly, thank you for showing me what it truly is to be a Christian. Your lives have changed me. I dont know where I would be without your faith. I know I am at times difficult, cranky, ungrateful, and bitter. But youve truly shown me what life is all about. You are amazing parents and God has blessed me just with the chance to know you.
And to God, I say thank you. Thank you for papa and mom. I just hope that someday, I will have kids of my own, and if I could be half as good of a parent as they were, my children will be blessed.

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY/BIRTHDAY

10 years

2005-05-05T18:32:00.000-04:00

Wow, I can't believe it has been 10 years since my sisters wedding. Thats insane! well, ten years tommorow that is.
I try to think back to before there was a Matt in the family, but I really cant remember those days.
And then I try to think back before Dan and Han, and that itself seems hard.
And then I think to Nov 14th, and I think about how tommorow could be such a sad day, how we could all be sitting at home crying because it was supposed to be Matt and Francines anniversary. I remember hearing the words about the accident, but not really knowing what was going on. I remember not being able to stand, because it dawned on me that something was very wrong with Francine. I remember the feeling of being in the hospital, waiting for her to get out of surgery. I remember feeling like I couldnt breathe. I remember looking into Danielle and Hannahs eyes, and my heart breaking because there was a very real chance that their lives may never be the same.
So when May the 6th arrives. I will be thankful. Cause although apperently some people think my only purpose in life is to feel sorry for myself about the fact that I am single, I am so grateful to God for what he has given my sister. Because he has blessed her with life, and with a chance to raise her kids and with a third baby which is on the way. She gets to love her husband, and her husband gets to hold her. Her children have a mother(infact, probably one of the best mom that I know). I love my sister. And I am so grateful to God that she is here.
So tommorow, tommorow is a day to celebrate what God has done.

Im rude

2005-05-03T19:47:00.000-04:00

I am a rude person, or so says anonymous commentor(comment left on my 'in case you wonder why I feel so alone' blog).Apperently I deserve to be alone. Thats awesome.
I am sure that I have been rude at times. I know that I am not perfect, and that I havn't always been perfectly patient and kind. And I apologize to you for my rudeness.
But clearly, bashing me in my blog without saying who you are, is not going to help anything. Im sorry for hurting you(as I am pretty sure I know who you are), maybe I was just having a bad day.
So, if anyone else would like to leave me a comment about why I deserve to be alone, please,at least tell me who the heck you are. If you have a problem with me, that is fine, but unless I know who you are and what Ive done, how can things get resolved?

Sin and stuff

2005-05-03T08:22:00.000-04:00

The blame game is great. It is so easy to blame your mistakes on someone or something outside of ureself. Think of it, someone plays hockey and looses; it was the ice surface, the bad reffing, the lack of rest before the game, the fans wernt into it...... And so goes the list. But when it comes down to it, when a team loses(I know well about this as I am a Montreal Canadians fan), they need to take ownership of their loss.
The same goes for us. We screw up somehow, and we have to blame everyone else, or just something. Like Adam and Eve all the way back then, blaming each other or the snake, when really, they were the one who made the choice to eat the stupid fruit in the first place.
Falling is hard. And even harder is owning up to your boo boo's. Because with our falls, often comes guilt, and dealing with that guilt is not fun. So it is way easier to blame some other factor. But the problem is, until we realize we are the ones who frigged up, and until we realize what we have done, we cant really find healing.
And with the acceptance of our responsibility comes an insane amount of humility. It humbles me to no end the amount of grace I need. To know that when Jesus was on the cross, he was doing that for me, thats crazy. Why would he do it? I am astounded by the mercy and grace of God. If I had never realized how filthy I truly was(and am), I would never see why I need the grace of God so much.
And what I find even harder than accepting responsibilty for my sin, is accepting forgiveness. Somehow, it seems all to easy to just ask and be forgiven. Forgiven by a perfect God, who suffered for me, who continually sins despite his awesome love. It hard to accept. It's like, sometimes in my head, I think that if Jesus had to suffer so much for my sin, I should to. So, instead of asking for forgiveness, I carry it around with me, feeling so guilty and hopeless.
But that is when I am reminded that Jesus died. No, he didn't have to, and no he didn't want to, but he did. He did because he cares for a wretch like me. Humbled by his grace. That is what I am. I come with nothing to offer God but a filthy heart, and still he chooses to love me, that is amazing.

Flat broke

2005-05-02T16:22:00.000-04:00

Im flat broke. It is so poopy. It wouldn't be so bad if payday was just a few days away, but payday isnt for two weeks.
You know that panic feeling that you get when you realize you have no money. That feeling when you want a drink of pop so bad but you know you cant have any. Man it sucks.
The end/beginning of the month sucks. Rent is due, student loan is due and future shop is due, that takes up more than my paycheck. So, I just have no money.
What doesn't kill me will only make me stronger I guess. But I tell you one thing, when I do get paid, I will drink like six full bottles of diet caffeine free pepsi in one friggin' sitting. And in the meantime, I am certainly going to learn to appreciate water. Gross, water is so gross. Like who really likes to drink it anyway. Its so blah. I crave the burn of pop, and water certainly doesn't have the burn. Like I drink a full glass, and I think to myself "did I just drink something, cause it sure doesn't feel like I did!"
Booo on water, hurray for payday! I can't wait to get paid. I guess I have to though.

All I have(is yours)

2005-05-01T17:04:00.000-04:00

This is all I have to bring
and lay down at your throne
take my heart,and take my life
I am not my own

You purchased me with your cleansing blood
you came to set me free
so all I have I give to you
my sacrifice is me

so take me and mold me
use me if you will
no matter what happens
Ill glorify you still

This is all I have to bring
and lay down at your throne
you have my heart, you have my life
I am not my own

Suicide

2005-04-30T16:32:00.000-04:00

Well,more than one blog reader told me that I was either suicidal or depressed. So Ive taken the liberty of deleting like 1/2 of my entries, the ones that make me sound unhappy, hope you enjoy my blog more now, sorry if my thoughts worried anyone. From now on my entries will be funny.

Psalm 139:1-18, 23-24

2005-04-29T09:01:00.000-04:00

O Lord, you have searched me and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely O Lord.
You hem me-behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings if the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.

If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me," even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for the darkness is as light to you.
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mothers womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake, I am still with you.

Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

in case you wonder why I feel alone

2005-04-26T21:20:00.000-04:00

just in case you ever wonder why a person could feel alone, like maybe God wants them to be miserable and alone, heres a list for you

People I know(either well, family, or just peers)who are eihter married or engaged(almost all in love and married by my age or younger)
Francine and Matt
Paul and Heather
David and Denise
Jamie and Jessica
Tina and Trevor
Rob and Ellen
Goldie and Matt
Felicity and Jeff
Tom and Jen
Gordon and Helana
Junior and Emily
Ben and Jaqueline
Dan and Janelle
Jamie and Penny
David and Anna(not really engaged, but close)
Murray and Val
heather jean and Joel
Susan and Ian
Lisa and....... NO FRIGGIN" BODY

I think I am having a bitter day
And when I am at my Danille or Hannahs wedding with no date, if one person says to me "your day will come", I will seriously kick them in the teeth.

grocery store rage

2005-04-21T22:26:00.000-04:00

I was at the grocery store today. I was picking up my usual order, pop and peas. And, as usual, I head toward the speedy checkout. Now, for anyone who can read and count, the concept of this lane is fairly easy to understand; if you have between 1 and 8 items, you can use this lane. Now, the lady in front of me in the lineup, clearly had more than 8 items. Now, if a person has ten items, this is acceptable, but this lady had about 35-40 items. Normally, I wouldnt care, but I was actually in a rush. Her order came to $82.75. Does this sound like a speedy order to you? no. I waited at least ten minutes, and she was the only one in front of me. I dont know if she couldn't count, or maybe she couldn't read, or maybe she was just thinking in her head 'they'll never notice I have more than 8 items', whatever the case, I urge you as consumers, to stay the frig out of the speedy lane, if you have more Items than you can carry in your friggin hands. No cartfuls and no full grocery orders. Like what the frig. what the frig.

song #2

2005-04-21T09:02:00.000-04:00

so weary
and trying to escape the prison of my soul
so broken
all I need is light to make me whole

so desperate
in need of love found only in the son
so blinded
cant get away, no matter where I run

In your arms alone will I find this peace
trusting you, and loving you
and humbled by your grace
and in your death I will come to life
praising you, and serving you
you'll take me from this place

Im changing
everyday you show me what you've done
Im thankful
for thanks to you, I know the fights been won

Im standing
in awe of all the love you've shown to me
Im unworthy
and yet I stand before your throne alive and free

sleeping on the can

2005-04-19T07:33:00.000-04:00

So, as you may know, I work nights, Monday to Friday, 11pm-7am. The weekends usually frig my sleep right up, so come monday night I am beat. I can hardly move at work, it friggin sucks. But no matter how tired I am, I know Ill make it through the night. You see, at work, I have a sanctuary of sleep. It is so wonderful, so restful(but sometimes friggin' stinky).
The toilet is always there, everytime I get tired, so I always know that if I can't go on, stock another shelf or I will fall off my ladder and die, the toilet is always there, a place to stop, relax,rest, and yes, sleep.
I can't tell you how many times I have dozed of, taken a quick cat nap(sometimes a long cat nap), on the toilet. And really, it's some of the best sleep I get(unless Tasha had a poo). For those brief moments on the toilet, I am so peaceful and I never want to get up. And Ill be perfectly honest, there have been a few times, when I went to the toilet, specifically for the purpose of sleeping.
Man, I love the toilet at work. It's awesome.
Last night, I had like a ten minute nap on the toilet, and woke up feeling awesome, ready for another few friggin hours of shelf stocking.
Maybe I would sleep better at home on the toilet, not in the bed. Maybe Ill try that. Well, Im off to toilet. smell ya later.

a song to God

2005-04-18T15:00:00.000-04:00

here I am again
fell flat on my face in all the selfishness and pride
here I stand again
fighting off the sin I try so hard to hide

And now I kneel and beg
that you would come and take this sin away
and now I cry and pray
that I can look to you and find my way

because in all Ive done
youve never left my side
because youve held me close
for every selfish tear ive cried
because you saw in me
a child who needs your grace
because you rescue me
when I dont want to show my face

and I know your here
and you bring the love ive searched the earth to find
and I know your near
and no one else could ever ease this troubled mind

and I will bow
and spend my life in awe of all youve done
and I will stand
and use your love to lead me to the son

Ive decided

2005-04-17T09:07:00.000-04:00

so, I am planning on going to Ontario next month, I plan to stay there for the summer. It'ss be fun, but I am such a baby that I dont know what Ill do without my parents, and Matt and Fran, and Dan and Han. I will miss them so much. sheeesh. Why does growing up have to be this way. Decision making can be so difficult. Should I, shouldn't I? Will I regret it when I go? Will I be miserably unhappy. Am I only going to avoid making real decisions about my life? Am I delaying the inevitable?
Sheesh.
But, I have decided, that right now, I have to leave here. I have to go away, I have to.
Will I be home in September? I sure hope so. How will this decision affect the rest of my life? I don't know. But I just have to trust that God is looking out for me.

Roll up the rim(and u so wont win)

2005-04-12T19:33:00.000-04:00

Life for me is like a roll up the rim cup from good old Timmy Ho's.
I don't like coffee, it's gross, it tastes like bum. But, I do however like cappucino and tea. So, currently(because I am an addict), I have been drinking like 3-4 hot beverages a day from Tims all because there is a chance I may win some kick butt prize when I get done and roll up my friggin rim. But do I win, so very rarely. And usually, if I do win, it's a friggin donut. Who the frig wants a donut anyway. But still, every time I drink my hot beverage, I get so anxious, the anticipation almost more than I can handle. And then, with all the excitement welling within, I roll up the rim, only to loose. In a fit of anger, I throw my cup to the floor and curse Tim Hortons and swear I'll never roll up another rim. But still, I know, Ill be back, in a few hrs, to roll up the rim yet again.
How is this like my life you might ask. Well, everyday, I think there could be something good in store, but everyday, I roll up my metephorical rim with anticipation, just to discover, just as I suspected, im still a loser!!!

I WANT MY GLASS

2005-04-08T18:18:00.000-04:00

Grrrrrrrrrrrrr
I want my glass. I have this thing with drinking from a specific glass. It is my glass, it is perfect to drink from. Its the right size and weight. I am currently very thirsty, but Rob has my glass. He has been using it for hours. I am thirsty, I want a drink, but I would feel very bad for asking if he could dump out his drink so I can drink from my own dang glass. So instead, I sit here all dry, angry, and walking out of my room occasionally to see if he is done with my glass. grrrrrrrrr. It is my glass, mine.
So what will I do now? I am going to walmart, and I am going to buy a new glass. And from now on I will keep it in my room. So I will always have a glass when I am thirsty.
Just don't understand how people can drink from plastic cups, or super thick glasses.
Man, I really am a freak!

Shut ure mouth if ure going to be a rude frigger

2005-04-08T17:44:00.000-04:00

Once you speak, you can never take your words back. Every word that comes out of your mouth, is out there for ever.
It's funny how people remember pretty much every negative word ever said about them.
I remember when I was really young, my brother noticed that I had a birthmark on my leg. He said something about how it was ugly, not to be rude, just pointing it out, and sure enough, Ive hated it ever since. It's just a stupid birth mark, and it's not even that big, but one little comment, and I hate it 4ever.
I'm sure that if you(all 2 of you who read my blog) think for about 2 seconds, you can remember hundreds ofhtings that have hurt or offended you. But thibk a little harder now. Think about the words you have spoken to others that may have left a scar. We all have the scars, and we all have inflicted the scars on others.
Watch what you say, ure words can kill. They don't physically kill, but they do emotionally.
It's hard for me to watch what I say. Im sure there are hundreds if not thousands of times that my careless words have brought a tear to anothers eye. And that really makes me sad. Though I don't remember ever deliberately setting out to kill someone with my words, I have.
If I have ever hurt you with my words, I want to say sorry. I know I can't take what I have said back, but I can tell you that I never meant to hurt you. If you have ever been hurt by someone elses words, I encourage you to let it go. Holding on doesn't help anything.
And if you are the type(as I am), to say careless things without thinking that they may possibly hurt someone, use your brain before your tongue. Speak words of love and encouragement, rather than words of cruelty and general meanness.

I almost got runner over by a Hummer

2005-04-07T07:00:00.000-04:00

Man, does this guy think he's the bomb. Driving around Charlottetown in his friggin huge-bum Hummer. Like as if we didn't know you were rich buddy! You don't have to advertise! Like what the frig. ooooooooh, look at me, my name is Brad Richards and I can skate around and hold a stick at the same time!!

Do you want to know what I am thankful for? Im thankful that to Jesus, it doesn't matter if you drive a Hummer and play for the defending Stanley Cup champions, or if you walk your butt everywhere and make darn close to minimum wage at the local dollar store. In his eyes, we are all the same; filthy, and in need of grace.
And I am so grateful for that grace, the blood of Christ that was shed for dollar store girls like me and NHL boys like Brad.

Walking in Charlottetown

2005-04-06T06:48:00.000-04:00

any of you who know me well, realize that I am a hardcore walker. When the weather is nice and I am awake, I may walk for up to 5 hours a day. I love to walk.
However, before i started to take my cd player along for my walks, i had some issues. Primarily on my way to work on Thursday and Friday nights. Walking in the 'ghetto' of Charlottetown. So, it's not really a ghetto, but its dark and scary at 10:00pm.
In your averedge ghetto, theres gangs, fights, and drive-by shootings. Not here. In our little city, we have our own little thing, I like to call it drive-by shoutings. Every 5th car pr so, has some half drunk teenager yelling out the window at me. Frig it used to tick me off. Like how cool are you, loser!!! Go get a gunb and shoot me or something, but don't think you are all cool cause you know how to roll down a window and scream profanities. Anybody can do that,(please dont really shoot me, that would suck!).
So to those who share my frustrations as walker, I say; wear headphones with the tunes cranked(right now I recommend Kutless' worship cd). Then, the friggers can shout till their hearts content, and you'll never hear them. This way, everybody wins. The shouter feels cool like he's accomplished something by degrading someone, and you have had the chance to listen to some kick-bum tunes while getting some well needed exersize!
wooooohoooooooo for music, and boo on drive-by shoutings!

sometimes, things go the exact opposite of how youd like

2005-04-03T12:30:00.000-04:00

Man, lately, things have been far from easily for my family. First, there was a string of miscarriages, only days apart, then, not too long after, was the horrible Sunday of Nov 14th, when my sis was badly hurt in a car wreck. That very week, my sister in law called to tell me that my bro and his wife were having some complications with their pregancy. That was taking care of until today, yet another Sunday morning, when my brothers wife has gone into labor a month and a half early. Things you don't expect to happen sometimes happen.
And with all of the health problems piling up, there are other things too. Things that are very much affecting people that Ilove, that I am not free to talk about.
With everything that has gone wrong. And all the tears that have been shed over the past few months. I want to share with you one good things.
God is still God and he is still in control. The love of Jesus is enough to carry us.
If you read this today, please pray for the Paul and Heathers little tiny baby. That God will take care of them all.
And if you do not know God, please think about the importance of knowing what you believe in life. BEcause trust me when I say, storms will come. Things you don't expect, and certainly dont want. And the only thing strong enough to hold you and the only thing in all of life that is certain is JESUS.

use your head(don't be stupid like me)

2005-04-01T16:35:00.000-05:00

In life, our every choice, will somehow affect out lives. Some in tiny ways, some ih hugemongous ways.
Example. In my youth, when I was young and foolish(22), I got a tattoo. Seemed like a great idea at the time. Honeslty, it didn't really hurt when I got it, I took care of it until it healed, and pretty much just forgot that it was there.
Until recently, I started to feel some pain, around the general area. And then I began to feel some itching, and then a whole lot more of the pain.
So, I called the lovely people at a local tat shop. And do you want to know what they told me?? I am allergic to my tattoo! What the frig. NObody warned me about this, nobody told me that I would be allergic to myself. So, here I am now, older and all the more wiser(so it's only been a year), and I am permantly allergic to myself.
One choice, I made in my youth, whose consequences I will carry with me for the rest of my life in the form of a Montreal Canadians symbol on my lower back.
I can't take back a lot of the decisions I have made in my life. They are done, the choice has been made,and the consequences will be suffered. But everyday, I am still making choices, and you want to bet that I am thinking them thru a whole lot more. Because I for one am sick of the regretting things, and I want to be able to look back on my life and be satisfied with the choices that I have made.
So, to sum it all up, don't ever get a tattoo. And use ure head for more than a mullet stand.
And if you don't know Jesus, and you don't believe in God, think this thru, cause where some decisions you make will haunt you for life, the reprocusions of rejecting God is much more eternal. Use your head.

2005-03-31T15:48:00.000-05:00

So, I am thinking that I have some sort of sleeping disorder. I can't sleep. I laid in bed for 5 hours so far today and have not slept yet.
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!!!!!
I am very tired. I even got up out of bed, and went to Walmart to get some sleeping pills to help, needless to say, they didn't help! They did kinda make me high though, I felt really weird, and all my limbs were numb, I could hardly move my body, but my mind seemed to be working okay!
Holy crap. I just want to sleep. Ive given up on trying tho. I can't sleep. And yesterday, I fell asleep easily, but two hours later I woke up feeling refreshed and wide awake. Weird eh! The same thing the day before yesterday.
Friggin' wind, blowing on my stupid wall, like what the frig. Stop being so friggin' windy, someone is trying to sleep in here. Friggin idiot wind.
Well, as long as those sleeping pills make me fool good, at least there is something good about this day!(kidding)(or am I!)
Have a wicked good day all of you who are priviledged enough to sleep when you have to.
PS-Simply Sleep pills, SUCK!!!

Night Time Television and the human mind

2005-03-31T08:46:00.000-05:00

Wow, It's twenty to six on a Thursday morning, and I totally just spent the last like 10 hours watching tv. Well, actually, I napped for a couple of hours and even stole my roomates car briefly to run to the store and get some pop. Hurray for calling in dead at work last night.
Here is the thing with the tv. We have like 1000 channels, so, naturally, having grown up with just the two channels(CBC and ATV), one would think that the options were unlimited. Not so at all.
I just laid there scrolling thru the channels, trying to find just one good thing to watch, and do you think that I could? Not a chance.
So, instead of turning the tele off and finding something useful to do with my time(as useful as time can be in the middle of the night in CH'Town), I watched some mind numbing tv, that may well have killed more brain cells than smoking weed could do in a lifetime.
Did you ever see Sex and the City. If yes, thats too bad. If no, really don't feel like you've missed out on anything. Basic story, these girls have sex with a lot of men and try to figure out why their lives are so empty(I have only seen one episode, so maybe Im wrong about it, doubt it tho).
Oh, and I wacth a small portion of Sues' Sunday Night Sex Show. And I don't care who you are, that lady is plain old creepy. And yet again, for the second time in one night, I was tought that sex was just a pleasurable act that really wasn't special and that everyone should do it with anyone, as long as they are "safe"
Anyway, I could list all of the shows that I watched tonight, but I won't. I could tell you why the tv is evil, but I wont.
I will tell you this tho. I am yet again quitting watching the tv. I did it for a month not too long ago(well, I actually didn't make it a month), and I found it was a really good chance for to grow. So, Ill see if I can't do it again.
Tv is a big waste of time. A big stupid waste of time. Although, I do recommend that you watch Extreme Makeover Home Edition. Unless of course, it causes you to lust after Ty(you know who you are).

Girls do fart uno

2005-03-30T01:17:00.000-05:00

So, I work at the Dollar store. And up until this point, i have worked entirely with girls. Five of us, all girls physically, but u see, we totally fart a lot, and show off our poops, and tell some pretty nasty stories which would make most guys sick.
But recently, they hired two men to work nights with us, and sometimes, I forget that they are around.
So, if these two men were at all disillusioned about women before they started working with us, we have crushed there bubble beyond repair. Girls poop(and brag when they are the size of baseballs), they fart, they itch themselves when they have too.
Ask any married man! When they first met their beautiful bride to be, there were no smelly noises from their bums, or mouths. And if their girlfriend had to poop, she did it at home, when he wasn't around. Couple weeks after the honeymoon ended, we make up for lost time.

Anyway, just wanted to share that with you

Please just answer this one question

2005-03-29T16:26:00.000-05:00

What does Jesus mean to you?

Sinful Nature days(who peed in your Cornflakes?)

2005-03-28T04:35:00.000-05:00

Did you ever wake up on the wrong side of the bed just before the world peed in your cornflakes?
Have the kinda day where one thing after another goes wrong? Maybe nothing even goes wrong, but everything goes right for everyone around you?
Or maybe just the kind of day where you couldn't even explain to someone why you are so cranky because honestly, you don't even know yourself.
On those days, you'd feel like an optomist to even be able to say that the glass is half empty, because as far as you can tell, someone came along and drank your water and smashed the metaphorical glass on the floor.
You woke up, and probably should have just rolled over and gone back to sleep, because by facing the world on this day, you are doing nobody any favors.
You are not a pleasure to be around, and clearly, as anyone could tell, you are just friggin' cranky.
On days like these, I complain, I growl, I grumble. I become the victim, like everyone and everything(God not excluded) is out to get me.
I have too much to do, and too little time to do it, a stupid driver just had to cut me off only to drive 40 in front of me, the lineup at the grocery store takes forever, and to make matters worse, my boss threatened my job yet again.
Sinful nature days, that is what I call them. When, for some reason, different for everyone and every situation, we forget who we are, and what we represent, and who is working in us, and we freak. And though we don't recall making a choice, we sure do. We decide that despite the nagging of the Holy Spirit telling us to love, we will hate. Despite the calling of the cross to deny ourself, we indulge ourselves in self-pity. And despite the fact that the hugest favor ever known to man was given to us freely through the sacrifice of Christ, we shut him out.
Complain, complain, complain...justify our acts...complain some more.
How do we combat these sinful nature days? Cause I know, that once you get caught up in a bad attitude, it is a trap that seems unescapable.

If you are having one of those days, or even if your not today, but know some day you will, here are some scriptures that may help fight the urge to indulge in the sinful nature and help you to live by the Spirit.

Phil 2:3-11

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility considers others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:
Who, being in very nature God, Did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearence of a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death-even death on a cross! Therefore God exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of the Father.

Phil 2:14-16
Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without finding fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe as you hold out the word of life-in order that I may boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor for nothing.

Phil 4:12-13
I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

Gal 5:16-26
So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature. For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the sinful nature. They are in conflict with each other, so that you do not do what you want. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law.
The acts of the sinful nature are obvious:sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft;hatred, discord, jelousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkeness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with it's passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other.

2 Cor 4:16-18
Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

Rom 8:5-8
Those who live according to the sinful nature have their minds set on what that nature desires:but those that live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. The mind of the sinful man is death, but the mind of the Spirit is life and peace; the sinful mind is hostile to God. It does not submit to God's law, nor can it do so. Those controlled by the sinful nature cannot please God.

So, on those days where we are angry for no reason, or even if we have a reason. And when we feel like lashing out at people, sinful nature days, lets remember who we are and what Christ accomplished for us on the cross. Attitude is everything, and a bad attitude will destroy us as servants. Listen to the Spirit.
And yes, you will screw up, I do all the time. I freak out for no reason and my attitude turns to crap. Like one second Im right on fire for Jesus, and the next second Im wallowing in self-pity! I call that manic spirituality. Good thing for us Christ chose to die. And when he died, he took our sins. Not just the ones before we were saved, but every sin, ever. And remember, Jesus was here, he knows what it is like to be tempted in everyway, just like us. So go to him, pray to him, and ask him for help when you need it. And trust that he'll forgive your bad attitude and other acts of the sinful nature.

Heb 12:1-3
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perserverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning it's shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that u will not grow weary and lose heart.

Being a Childlike Adult

2005-03-26T20:14:00.000-05:00

Do you remember being a kid, when everything just made sense. And everything just came so easily? It's like you spend all your young years, assuming that they will never come to an end, then 'BAM', just like that, you are an adult. No more free living, no more groceries in the fridge that you didn't pay for, no more free education.
It happens so suddenly, you just wake up one day, and you realize that nothing is the same as it once was.
Now I am not ancient or anything, I'm only just 23 years old, but I feel about 45. I guess day after day working the same job, going nowhere, it affects you.
I remember when I graduated from high school and I though that my whole life was ahead of me. I thought I could do anything. And I remember going to what should have been my college graduation and realizing maybe for the first time, that I had failed.
With no hopes and no dreams, I gave up searching for anything I could get out of life. I traded my future in for a very low paying job at the dollar store and have been trapped ever since.
And all you can see when your in this trap is every moment you are losing a little piece of life that you can never get back. Wasting your youth stocking shelves that will be emptied the next day. Night after night after night till a week turns into a year and a year turns into two and one day just fades into the next until you don't even know what day it is anymore.
Was this where I wanted my life to be? Was this what I had planned? Not a chance. I was going to go on mission trips, make a difference in lives, change the world.
Now, here I am, just barely grown up, trying to figure out what to do, where to go. I sometimes wish that God would just come into my house and say 'Lisa do..........'. But he hasn't yet, and I doubt he ever will. So, what will I do? Well, maybe the passion that I have inside of me is God's way of telling me what I should do. Maybe if I forget about the dumb mistakes from the pass and the failures, then I can move forward. Maybe if I just let go of the stupid stuff that holds me back. Maybe if I just trust that if I take a chance God will take care of me.
Being an adult is hard sometimes, and sometimes, I just want to curl up in my bed and cry because life can be overwhelming. Or maybe, just maybe I am just looking for an exuse not to have to move forward cause I am so comfortable in my poopy life that I don't really want to move.
Maybe, just maybe, being an adult with a childlike faith would be the key. A faith that no matter where I go, or what I do(even if it is the dollar store)I tell people about the love of Jesus, and love others the way Christ loves me.Maybe that is the key to being a content adult. It's not about what I do or where I go, it's about what I do, wherever I am.
Hmmmm, maybe that is the answer

Sanity, singleness, and sex

2005-03-25T10:35:00.000-05:00

This actually has nothing to do with sex, I just wrote that to get your frikin' attention.

Life can be weird, and annoying, and sometimes, friggin' depressing. Watching everyone you care about, slowly, one by one, falling in love and getting married. Having no date to yet another wedding, it sometimes feels like I am a lost cause! Hopeless.

The youngest of 5, I am the only single one in my family. And. as of July, I'll be the only one not to have taken a job as executive producer in the baby factory.

So sometimes, it feels like I am alone. Like everyone is all grown up but me, the big loser who works a crappy job, who has no one to come home to, who has no one to share life with. Kinda like a wanderer. I love my family more than anything, and my nieces bring me such great joy, but sometimes, I just get jelous, or anxious, or lonely or whatever you call it. I'm 23 and have been in 6 weddings(nun of which were my own!!)

So, what have I decided? The bitterness about being 'alone', it has to go. I have to be happy for people who are lucky enough to fall in love. Because like it or, right now, I am single, and could possibly be forever, and the only thing dwelling on it will do is kill me.

I need to enjoy every single moment that I have, and God willing, someday, I may me mr. Right(or maybe just Mr. Will have me). I want to get married, and would love to have a family, but right now I don't. And every minute I spend thinking about how badly I want that, doesn't make me married. So, What to do? Enjoy life, thank God every day, and trust him. He doesn't want to destroy me, or give me a crap hole life, he is the creator of every good and perfect gift. He knows my heart and my every desire.

So, the other day, I said to God 'God, I trust you'
And that was all. Cause holding on to the bitterness, the only one it hurts is me.

Now, if you are in my situation(which I hope ure not),just enjoy life as it is today. Say thanks to God for what you have. Trust that he knows what is best for you. Stop looking at every man like he is a potential husband(I am guilty of this). And just enjoy the love of Jesus, cause unlike a man, he will satisfy u, without fail, and will NEVER let you down.

If you made it to the end of this, wow, hurray. Because I am a novelist at heart, and can never stop writting.
Have a wiked good day

Giterdun