Sick day

Today I took a sick day. Ive been sick all week, but seeing as there is no one who can work for me, Ive had to show up. There were times I almost fell over I was so weak. Anyway. The point is, Ive had some time to think today.

Im ashamed to admit it, but I am a very weak Christian. I find trusting in God to be very hard. Trusting in anyone does not come easily to me. But putting my faith in Christ is so hard. Trusting that his grace will forgive, that the cross truly cleansed me, and that his power can truly cleanse me. My prayer for myself is that God himself will be my stregth. Because on my own I realize that I am nothing. Weak and frail and full of sin. Full of fear. Maybe Im abnormal, but for, I know that I cant do anything right on my own. Today I was thinking about how all my life I have been ashamed of the gospel. I ve shared it a few times, with a few people, but usually, I just cruise through the day without ever talking about Jesus. It scares me. Scares me to death. Because I am ashamed of him, he will be ashamed of me. A lot of times, I have watered down the truth, or have known that I should have metnionned Jesus in a conversation, but have been afraid, afraid of what? Rejection? It really shows me the true shallowness of my own faith. I want to grow, I want to be changed, I want to learn to let go of the sin that I hold so close, the strongholds in my life. I want God to teach me, to mold me, and yet I am afraid. Afraid of where a real faith will take me. There is such a real battle going on for my soul, and I can see it more clearly than I ever have. I am torn in two. The part of me that wants Christ and wants the life he has called me to, and the part of me that wants all the comforts of this life, of knowing that I am in control. Christ is the lover of my soul, but Satan wants to destroy, yet so often I trust in the wrong hand, the hand that wants to crush me.

I guess, I just wanted to be honest in this blog. I wanted to be honest about what goes on inside of me. I dont want to be an avid church goer who smiles and nods and pretends that everything is just peachy. I am not perfect, so far from it that I am ashamed of who I am. But the best part is, that in my weakness, God can still use me. And I pray that he will. I pray that he will carry me though this life and help me to grow in faith. I pray that he will work on his stubborn heart and heal me of my sin.

Long time no post

I thought I would post again since I havnt since April.
What is new? Well, less than two months til my wedding now. Thats insane. Really starting to set in that its actually happening. Most of my invitations are out. I still have quite a bit to do, but Im not too worried, it'll all work out, plus its just one day, and its really wise to invest more time and care into the days that follow.
Im also just realizing that along with all these other huge changes in my life, my job will soon be running out. Change is hard for me, so Im a little overwhelmed.
It was awesome this weekend because I got to spend a little time with Tina and Trevor and Randy and Sara both whom I havent seen in like a year. It was exciting. Next I just have to see Lohnes and Ill be all set.
I got a haircut today, which apperently is a huge deal. I didnt know!! David was awfully concerend about how much I was going to get taken off, he likes my long hair. Normally I would get it cut prettty short as I hate the feeling of long hair, but I was taught growing up that you should try to please your spouse, so here I sit with a thirty dollar hair cut that looks like it hasnt even been cut at all. I hope he knows how much I love him.

Anyhow, Ill post soon, not that anyone blogs anymore now that this new face book thing is all the rage.
God bless

The new you

I often find myself watching TLC. ' A wedding Story', Little People, Big World', 'A Baby Story', and the list goes on. One show that I really dont like but find myself watching is 'What Not to Wear'. HAve you seen it? Family and friends nominate someone who dresses poorly(I know I could totally gt one the show), The hosts go through her wardrobe and make fun of everything that she owns, throw out all her clothes, give her $5000 and send her to New York on a shopping spree. I don't know, it just really bugs me. Because usually, they take a girl who is pretty but simple and not too preoccupied with the way they look, and try to turn them into a self obsessed fashion machine. In the end the girl ends up wearing lots of low cut tops, a ton of make up and staring at themsevles in the mirror saying"I love the new me, I look so sexy". It bothers me, because looking hot on the outside is not true beauty. A complete make over on the outside still leaves the inside dead. I guess I am just so bothered by the importance placed on dressing the outside. The Bible says that a woman is not beautiful but the way she looks, but because of her spirit, who she is.
I dont know about guys, but I think it is safe to say that pretty much every girl out there has thought at some point in their lives that they wish they were thinner, of prettier, or had less stretch marks or had bigger boobs, or a smaller nose... and the list goes on. The truth is, that is not and never will be true beauty. Christ is not concerened about the outside(in fact really the only scriptural thing about the topic is actually telling women to cover up their bodies). Im not saying there is anything wrong with looking nice, Im saying that in the long run, it means nothing.
See, with me, I know all this, but then I find myself looking at the magazines while I am waiting in line up, or just watching how a lot of guys check out "hot' women, and I find myself thinking about how Im never going to measure up. I find myself wondering how I will ever be enough for David, when there is so much better out there. These thoughts are lies straight from the father of lies himself. Because as I follow God, he will make me beautiful, the kind of beauty that cannot fade with age, but that grows with time.

the 11th

Well, it's April, half way through by now. The 11th was my moms birthday. Also it means that my wedding is only 4 months away. Wow time is flying.
I had given up on marriage, on love. Slowly I watched my older siblings and their fiends get married, thehn I watched as my own friends started meeting their true loves and it got a little harder for me to watch. And then, I started to see the younger "kids', the ones I councelled at camp and remember as kids get married. And I gave up. I decided God must want me to be alone. it was hard to deal with, bu I was learning to let go. and finally, one day in April, at Jamie and Penny's wedding, I met a boy. We talked for a while and went our seperate ways, he went home to bed, I went home and couldn't sleep cause all I could think of was that boy. David. Then we started to hang out, and let me tell you. I knew. From like the second week of dating. I knew he was the one God had planned for me. And all that is history now, we are in the homestretch to our wedding. I have so much left to learn about what love is. I have so much left to learn about being a wife of noble character, but I pray that God will teach me and guide me and mold me into the woman he has called me to be, the woman that David needs. Thank God for his blessings, for his greatness. His goodness to us despite our sin. Praise God.

comfort

Comfort. We all want it to some degree. To be able to sit back in our comfort zone and just enjoy life. See, the only problem with that is that sometimes, God calls us to step out of this place and follow him. Follow him whereever he takes us. This, to be perfectly honest scares the crap right out of me. It is way to tempting to be a comfortable Christian, to be a pew warmer. To go to church and sing the songs, never really realizing that God wants our entire selves. He want sit all. Imagine having been Abraham, your only son whom you love, and God calls you to laying him to on an alter and sacrifice him. Imagine saying "not my will but yours God". Obviously we know the story, God spared Issac, but not before Abrahams faith was put into action.

God calls us to love him, to trust him, and yes, to deny ourselves, take up our cross and follow him. I'll admit that I get scared of where that could lead me. To be depised and rejected by men(if Jesus himself was, then surely his followers will too). God may just call us to be a little uncomfortable. But its pretty clear, we cannot serve two masters, we either love one and hate the other or hate one and love the other. Satan, not unlike the way he tempted Jesus, offers us the world, a life of comfort and riches and 'friends'. Jesus offers us himself, and he has overcome the world.

In then end, this life, this flesh and these bones will pass away. Time is short. you can spend a nice comfortable eighty years here, trusting in yourself, serving yourself, and looking out for yourself. Or you can spend these fleeting moments denying yourself and surrendering yourself to the master, to the King. Jesus himself wanted comfort when he was praying in the garden. "God, if theres anyway, please take this cup from me". He didnt want to do it, not go through the Hell and torchure. "Not my will but yours be done". But he denied himself, in every sense of the word. And at his name, every knee will bow and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord.