Sick day

Today I took a sick day. Ive been sick all week, but seeing as there is no one who can work for me, Ive had to show up. There were times I almost fell over I was so weak. Anyway. The point is, Ive had some time to think today.

Im ashamed to admit it, but I am a very weak Christian. I find trusting in God to be very hard. Trusting in anyone does not come easily to me. But putting my faith in Christ is so hard. Trusting that his grace will forgive, that the cross truly cleansed me, and that his power can truly cleanse me. My prayer for myself is that God himself will be my stregth. Because on my own I realize that I am nothing. Weak and frail and full of sin. Full of fear. Maybe Im abnormal, but for, I know that I cant do anything right on my own. Today I was thinking about how all my life I have been ashamed of the gospel. I ve shared it a few times, with a few people, but usually, I just cruise through the day without ever talking about Jesus. It scares me. Scares me to death. Because I am ashamed of him, he will be ashamed of me. A lot of times, I have watered down the truth, or have known that I should have metnionned Jesus in a conversation, but have been afraid, afraid of what? Rejection? It really shows me the true shallowness of my own faith. I want to grow, I want to be changed, I want to learn to let go of the sin that I hold so close, the strongholds in my life. I want God to teach me, to mold me, and yet I am afraid. Afraid of where a real faith will take me. There is such a real battle going on for my soul, and I can see it more clearly than I ever have. I am torn in two. The part of me that wants Christ and wants the life he has called me to, and the part of me that wants all the comforts of this life, of knowing that I am in control. Christ is the lover of my soul, but Satan wants to destroy, yet so often I trust in the wrong hand, the hand that wants to crush me.

I guess, I just wanted to be honest in this blog. I wanted to be honest about what goes on inside of me. I dont want to be an avid church goer who smiles and nods and pretends that everything is just peachy. I am not perfect, so far from it that I am ashamed of who I am. But the best part is, that in my weakness, God can still use me. And I pray that he will. I pray that he will carry me though this life and help me to grow in faith. I pray that he will work on his stubborn heart and heal me of my sin.