Suicide

Well,more than one blog reader told me that I was either suicidal or depressed. So Ive taken the liberty of deleting like 1/2 of my entries, the ones that make me sound unhappy, hope you enjoy my blog more now, sorry if my thoughts worried anyone. From now on my entries will be funny.

Psalm 139:1-18, 23-24

O Lord, you have searched me and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely O Lord.
You hem me-behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings if the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.

If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me," even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for the darkness is as light to you.
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mothers womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake, I am still with you.

Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

in case you wonder why I feel alone

just in case you ever wonder why a person could feel alone, like maybe God wants them to be miserable and alone, heres a list for you

People I know(either well, family, or just peers)who are eihter married or engaged(almost all in love and married by my age or younger)
Francine and Matt
Paul and Heather
David and Denise
Jamie and Jessica
Tina and Trevor
Rob and Ellen
Goldie and Matt
Felicity and Jeff
Tom and Jen
Gordon and Helana
Junior and Emily
Ben and Jaqueline
Dan and Janelle
Jamie and Penny
David and Anna(not really engaged, but close)
Murray and Val
heather jean and Joel
Susan and Ian
Lisa and....... NO FRIGGIN" BODY

I think I am having a bitter day
And when I am at my Danille or Hannahs wedding with no date, if one person says to me "your day will come", I will seriously kick them in the teeth.

grocery store rage

I was at the grocery store today. I was picking up my usual order, pop and peas. And, as usual, I head toward the speedy checkout. Now, for anyone who can read and count, the concept of this lane is fairly easy to understand; if you have between 1 and 8 items, you can use this lane. Now, the lady in front of me in the lineup, clearly had more than 8 items. Now, if a person has ten items, this is acceptable, but this lady had about 35-40 items. Normally, I wouldnt care, but I was actually in a rush. Her order came to $82.75. Does this sound like a speedy order to you? no. I waited at least ten minutes, and she was the only one in front of me. I dont know if she couldn't count, or maybe she couldn't read, or maybe she was just thinking in her head 'they'll never notice I have more than 8 items', whatever the case, I urge you as consumers, to stay the frig out of the speedy lane, if you have more Items than you can carry in your friggin hands. No cartfuls and no full grocery orders. Like what the frig. what the frig.

song #2

so weary
and trying to escape the prison of my soul
so broken
all I need is light to make me whole

so desperate
in need of love found only in the son
so blinded
cant get away, no matter where I run

In your arms alone will I find this peace
trusting you, and loving you
and humbled by your grace
and in your death I will come to life
praising you, and serving you
you'll take me from this place

Im changing
everyday you show me what you've done
Im thankful
for thanks to you, I know the fights been won

Im standing
in awe of all the love you've shown to me
Im unworthy
and yet I stand before your throne alive and free

sleeping on the can

So, as you may know, I work nights, Monday to Friday, 11pm-7am. The weekends usually frig my sleep right up, so come monday night I am beat. I can hardly move at work, it friggin sucks. But no matter how tired I am, I know Ill make it through the night. You see, at work, I have a sanctuary of sleep. It is so wonderful, so restful(but sometimes friggin' stinky).
The toilet is always there, everytime I get tired, so I always know that if I can't go on, stock another shelf or I will fall off my ladder and die, the toilet is always there, a place to stop, relax,rest, and yes, sleep.
I can't tell you how many times I have dozed of, taken a quick cat nap(sometimes a long cat nap), on the toilet. And really, it's some of the best sleep I get(unless Tasha had a poo). For those brief moments on the toilet, I am so peaceful and I never want to get up. And Ill be perfectly honest, there have been a few times, when I went to the toilet, specifically for the purpose of sleeping.
Man, I love the toilet at work. It's awesome.
Last night, I had like a ten minute nap on the toilet, and woke up feeling awesome, ready for another few friggin hours of shelf stocking.
Maybe I would sleep better at home on the toilet, not in the bed. Maybe Ill try that. Well, Im off to toilet. smell ya later.

a song to God

here I am again
fell flat on my face in all the selfishness and pride
here I stand again
fighting off the sin I try so hard to hide

And now I kneel and beg
that you would come and take this sin away
and now I cry and pray
that I can look to you and find my way

because in all Ive done
youve never left my side
because youve held me close
for every selfish tear ive cried
because you saw in me
a child who needs your grace
because you rescue me
when I dont want to show my face

and I know your here
and you bring the love ive searched the earth to find
and I know your near
and no one else could ever ease this troubled mind

and I will bow
and spend my life in awe of all youve done
and I will stand
and use your love to lead me to the son

Ive decided

so, I am planning on going to Ontario next month, I plan to stay there for the summer. It'ss be fun, but I am such a baby that I dont know what Ill do without my parents, and Matt and Fran, and Dan and Han. I will miss them so much. sheeesh. Why does growing up have to be this way. Decision making can be so difficult. Should I, shouldn't I? Will I regret it when I go? Will I be miserably unhappy. Am I only going to avoid making real decisions about my life? Am I delaying the inevitable?
Sheesh.
But, I have decided, that right now, I have to leave here. I have to go away, I have to.
Will I be home in September? I sure hope so. How will this decision affect the rest of my life? I don't know. But I just have to trust that God is looking out for me.

Roll up the rim(and u so wont win)

Life for me is like a roll up the rim cup from good old Timmy Ho's.
I don't like coffee, it's gross, it tastes like bum. But, I do however like cappucino and tea. So, currently(because I am an addict), I have been drinking like 3-4 hot beverages a day from Tims all because there is a chance I may win some kick butt prize when I get done and roll up my friggin rim. But do I win, so very rarely. And usually, if I do win, it's a friggin donut. Who the frig wants a donut anyway. But still, every time I drink my hot beverage, I get so anxious, the anticipation almost more than I can handle. And then, with all the excitement welling within, I roll up the rim, only to loose. In a fit of anger, I throw my cup to the floor and curse Tim Hortons and swear I'll never roll up another rim. But still, I know, Ill be back, in a few hrs, to roll up the rim yet again.
How is this like my life you might ask. Well, everyday, I think there could be something good in store, but everyday, I roll up my metephorical rim with anticipation, just to discover, just as I suspected, im still a loser!!!

I WANT MY GLASS

Grrrrrrrrrrrrr
I want my glass. I have this thing with drinking from a specific glass. It is my glass, it is perfect to drink from. Its the right size and weight. I am currently very thirsty, but Rob has my glass. He has been using it for hours. I am thirsty, I want a drink, but I would feel very bad for asking if he could dump out his drink so I can drink from my own dang glass. So instead, I sit here all dry, angry, and walking out of my room occasionally to see if he is done with my glass. grrrrrrrrr. It is my glass, mine.
So what will I do now? I am going to walmart, and I am going to buy a new glass. And from now on I will keep it in my room. So I will always have a glass when I am thirsty.
Just don't understand how people can drink from plastic cups, or super thick glasses.
Man, I really am a freak!

Shut ure mouth if ure going to be a rude frigger

Once you speak, you can never take your words back. Every word that comes out of your mouth, is out there for ever.
It's funny how people remember pretty much every negative word ever said about them.
I remember when I was really young, my brother noticed that I had a birthmark on my leg. He said something about how it was ugly, not to be rude, just pointing it out, and sure enough, Ive hated it ever since. It's just a stupid birth mark, and it's not even that big, but one little comment, and I hate it 4ever.
I'm sure that if you(all 2 of you who read my blog) think for about 2 seconds, you can remember hundreds ofhtings that have hurt or offended you. But thibk a little harder now. Think about the words you have spoken to others that may have left a scar. We all have the scars, and we all have inflicted the scars on others.
Watch what you say, ure words can kill. They don't physically kill, but they do emotionally.
It's hard for me to watch what I say. Im sure there are hundreds if not thousands of times that my careless words have brought a tear to anothers eye. And that really makes me sad. Though I don't remember ever deliberately setting out to kill someone with my words, I have.
If I have ever hurt you with my words, I want to say sorry. I know I can't take what I have said back, but I can tell you that I never meant to hurt you. If you have ever been hurt by someone elses words, I encourage you to let it go. Holding on doesn't help anything.
And if you are the type(as I am), to say careless things without thinking that they may possibly hurt someone, use your brain before your tongue. Speak words of love and encouragement, rather than words of cruelty and general meanness.

I almost got runner over by a Hummer

Man, does this guy think he's the bomb. Driving around Charlottetown in his friggin huge-bum Hummer. Like as if we didn't know you were rich buddy! You don't have to advertise! Like what the frig. ooooooooh, look at me, my name is Brad Richards and I can skate around and hold a stick at the same time!!

Do you want to know what I am thankful for? Im thankful that to Jesus, it doesn't matter if you drive a Hummer and play for the defending Stanley Cup champions, or if you walk your butt everywhere and make darn close to minimum wage at the local dollar store. In his eyes, we are all the same; filthy, and in need of grace.
And I am so grateful for that grace, the blood of Christ that was shed for dollar store girls like me and NHL boys like Brad.

Walking in Charlottetown

any of you who know me well, realize that I am a hardcore walker. When the weather is nice and I am awake, I may walk for up to 5 hours a day. I love to walk.
However, before i started to take my cd player along for my walks, i had some issues. Primarily on my way to work on Thursday and Friday nights. Walking in the 'ghetto' of Charlottetown. So, it's not really a ghetto, but its dark and scary at 10:00pm.
In your averedge ghetto, theres gangs, fights, and drive-by shootings. Not here. In our little city, we have our own little thing, I like to call it drive-by shoutings. Every 5th car pr so, has some half drunk teenager yelling out the window at me. Frig it used to tick me off. Like how cool are you, loser!!! Go get a gunb and shoot me or something, but don't think you are all cool cause you know how to roll down a window and scream profanities. Anybody can do that,(please dont really shoot me, that would suck!).
So to those who share my frustrations as walker, I say; wear headphones with the tunes cranked(right now I recommend Kutless' worship cd). Then, the friggers can shout till their hearts content, and you'll never hear them. This way, everybody wins. The shouter feels cool like he's accomplished something by degrading someone, and you have had the chance to listen to some kick-bum tunes while getting some well needed exersize!
wooooohoooooooo for music, and boo on drive-by shoutings!

sometimes, things go the exact opposite of how youd like

Man, lately, things have been far from easily for my family. First, there was a string of miscarriages, only days apart, then, not too long after, was the horrible Sunday of Nov 14th, when my sis was badly hurt in a car wreck. That very week, my sister in law called to tell me that my bro and his wife were having some complications with their pregancy. That was taking care of until today, yet another Sunday morning, when my brothers wife has gone into labor a month and a half early. Things you don't expect to happen sometimes happen.
And with all of the health problems piling up, there are other things too. Things that are very much affecting people that Ilove, that I am not free to talk about.
With everything that has gone wrong. And all the tears that have been shed over the past few months. I want to share with you one good things.
God is still God and he is still in control. The love of Jesus is enough to carry us.
If you read this today, please pray for the Paul and Heathers little tiny baby. That God will take care of them all.
And if you do not know God, please think about the importance of knowing what you believe in life. BEcause trust me when I say, storms will come. Things you don't expect, and certainly dont want. And the only thing strong enough to hold you and the only thing in all of life that is certain is JESUS.

use your head(don't be stupid like me)

In life, our every choice, will somehow affect out lives. Some in tiny ways, some ih hugemongous ways.
Example. In my youth, when I was young and foolish(22), I got a tattoo. Seemed like a great idea at the time. Honeslty, it didn't really hurt when I got it, I took care of it until it healed, and pretty much just forgot that it was there.
Until recently, I started to feel some pain, around the general area. And then I began to feel some itching, and then a whole lot more of the pain.
So, I called the lovely people at a local tat shop. And do you want to know what they told me?? I am allergic to my tattoo! What the frig. NObody warned me about this, nobody told me that I would be allergic to myself. So, here I am now, older and all the more wiser(so it's only been a year), and I am permantly allergic to myself.
One choice, I made in my youth, whose consequences I will carry with me for the rest of my life in the form of a Montreal Canadians symbol on my lower back.
I can't take back a lot of the decisions I have made in my life. They are done, the choice has been made,and the consequences will be suffered. But everyday, I am still making choices, and you want to bet that I am thinking them thru a whole lot more. Because I for one am sick of the regretting things, and I want to be able to look back on my life and be satisfied with the choices that I have made.
So, to sum it all up, don't ever get a tattoo. And use ure head for more than a mullet stand.
And if you don't know Jesus, and you don't believe in God, think this thru, cause where some decisions you make will haunt you for life, the reprocusions of rejecting God is much more eternal. Use your head.